Old and New Jokes

Fingernail Clippers:

Thats why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on:

You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when youre fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces:

As if the braces didnt make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture:

Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell:

Oh, good, lets give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes:

You shouldnt be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady:

Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:

Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing:

Because you shouldnt bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters:

Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear:

Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed – a good $3 cup of coffee.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Theyre never in the dark.

You might be a redneck if…

Youve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

The number of times youve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

Youve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

Youve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she wont ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You think Hamlet is on the McDonalds breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, Lets hit the road for dinner, and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister Mom and didnt have to correct yourself.

The directions to your bathroom include, Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.

Youre in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

Youve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!

– Frostbite.

3-year-old, Reese says his prayer, Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lords Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us
not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.One four-year-old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me?, Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first p

My parents called last night and told me they are getting
an alarm system installed.

The package includes a motion detector in their bedroom.

What does this tell us about life after 50???

this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys thats bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?

A woman goes into the doctors office and says Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they dont smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!

The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, Take these for a week and then come back to see me.

A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?

Doctor: Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…