Old and New Jokes

[Ed: From NutWorks, edited by Brent C. J. Britton]

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MONDAYS:

08:00 – Husseinfeld

08:30 – Mad About Everything

09:00 – Suddenly Sanctions

09:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

10:00 – Allah McBeal

TUESDAYS:

08:00 – Wheel of Fortune and Terror

08:30 – The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right

09:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things

09:30 – Iraqs Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAYS:

08:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed

08:30 – When Kurds Attack

09:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah

09:30 – Just Shoot Me

10:00 – Veilwatch

THURSDAYS:

08:00 – Matima Loves Chachi

08:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H

09:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, ShapelessDresses

09:30 – My Two Baghdads

10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy

FRIDAYS:

08:00 – Judge Saddam

08:30 – Funniest Super 8 Home Movies

09:00 – Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things

09:30 – Achmeds Creek

10:00 – No-witness News

A man rushed into the pub and asked How tall do penguins grow?

About two or three feet, replied the landlord.

Oh No!, said the man. Then Ive just run over a nun!

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences
of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

Q: How do you measure a blondes intelligence?

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, I dont think that is going to help much, hon?

Sure it does, he said. How else can I can see the numbers!

sleep next to a Ticketmaster outlet.

(My friend Brad in NYC told me this one yesterday.)

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm,
and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree
directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to
another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again
with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally he could not resist saying to the farmer,
This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you
simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them
from the ground!

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, Whats time to a pig?

YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS … heres how you can
tell (by Michael Cassels of the National Inquirer)

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human –
but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain
tip-offs, say experts.

They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes. Often space aliens dont fully
understand the different styles, so they wear combinations
that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped
shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers, noted
Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might
eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of
pills, the experts say.

3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who dont understand
earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film
or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra
time off to rejuvenate its energy, said Dr. Thomas Easton,
a theoretical biologist and futurist.

5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. Aliens are constantly
gathering information. said Steiger.

6. Misuses everyday items. A space alien may use correction fluid
to paint its nails, said Steiger.

7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens
who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that
seem stupid, Easton said.

For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on
the Fourth of July, noted Steiger.

8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. An alien wont
discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or
on weekends, said Steiger.

9. Frequently talks to himself. An alien may not be used to
speaking as we do, so an alien may practice speaking, Steiger noted.

10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. An alien may experience a mood change when a
microwave oven is turned on, said Steiger. The experts pointed out
that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these
traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

Doug Mackensie
doug@spdcc.COM

Un cantante de ópera ha perdido la voz y, pese a las recomendaciones de numerosos médicos, no logra recuperarla. Ya desesperado, acude a una curandera famosa.

Doña Clota, la curandera, le recomienda un remedio natural: tomarse todas las mañanas un huevito fresco, haciéndole un agujerito en cada extremo y chupando hasta que salga la yema y la clara. Es más, le ofrece al tenor lo huevos de sus ponedoras, que son frescos.

Al día siguiente, el cantante realiza el procedimiento: hace los dos agujeritos al huevo, y nada sale. Da vuelta al huevo, intenta otra vez, y nada. Hasta que finalmente el huevo se rompe y sale un pollito que le dice, enojado:

¡Vamos, decídete de una vez, me besas el piquito o me besas el culito!