Old and New Jokes

Youre so fat, the last time you saw 90210 was on the scale.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one

So the brunette goes first, I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and

my life – I just want to go home. POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, This place sucks, I want to go home too. POOF, she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, What is the matter? The blonde said, I wish my friends were here.

Famous Peoples Conjectures

On Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

Jack Nicholson: Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored)
reason.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

William Shakespeare: I dont know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? Whats all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mr. Scott: Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely.
Ah canna work miracles, captain!

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted
the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of
which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Leda: Are you sure it wasnt Zeus dressed up as a chicken? Hes into that
kind of thing, you know.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which
thank goodness are good, dahling.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Epicurus: For fun.

TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out
of life.

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldnt stop
its forward momentum.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for
it to cross.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.
But most history books dont reveal that I bunked with a birdie during
the duration.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Reprinted with permission from the December, 1989 issue of the
Calvin College Dialogue.

This collection of Chicken Jokes was dreamed up by the staff
members of the Calvin College Dialogue last year. Now I was a staff
member, and I wrote some of the jokes myself, but the others (Steve Mulder,
Heather Gemmen, et al.) wrote many of them as well.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in
the carburetor.

I asked her , Wheres the car? She replied, In the lake.

1. Im not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. Im in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you its because theyre such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. Ive always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, Sir, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says, Officer, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Patience will come to one who waits for it.
– Richard Lauterback

Moffett Naval Air Station, CA

A MAN WAS ON A DAET HE PILAN EVERY THING HE WAS GOING TO GIVE A CHOCOLATE TO HER HE WAS SITING ON THE HOT HETER HIS BUT WAS HOT SO HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM HE TOKE THE CHOCLATE HE THOGHT IT WAS POPO

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says, Ill just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

Darling, this is going to be so good, she says, Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!

Source: Friend in Olympia, Washington.

Question: What happens when you play a country western song backwards?

Answer: Your husband/wife comes back, your children come back, you get
your job back…etc. etc. etc.