Old and New Jokes

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just dont get the messages.

57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

59. ATMs are the devils advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

Isnt it rather complicated for a small boy? she asked the salesclerk.

Its designed to adjust the tot to live in todays world, madam, the shop assistant replied….

Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.

How does a blonde spell "farm?"E-I-E-I-O!!

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man What are you staring at?

Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.

Little Willie had a gambling problem. Hed bet on anything. One day, Willies father consulted his teacher.

The teacher said. Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. Well trap him into a big wager that hell lose.

Willies father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, Willie, I want you to remain after class.

When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, Dont say it, Miss Brown; I know what youre going to say, but youre a liar!

Willie! the startled teacher said. What are you talking about.

Your a fake! Willie continued.How can I believe anything you tell me? Youve got this blond hair on top, but Ive seen your bush and its pitch black!

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, Willie that isnt true.

Ill bet a dollar it is ! Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson.Make it five dollars and you have a bet, she said.

Youre on! Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. You win, he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldnt wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. Mr. Gaines, she said, I think weve finally taught him his lesson.

The hell we have, the father muttered. This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that hed see your pussy before the day was over.

Un hombre iba de vacaciones en el automóvil con su familia. Su suegra gritaba y gritaba, molestaba, era insoportable. El hombre ya se estaba poniendo nervioso, hasta que detiene el auto, se baja, abre la cajuela y le dice a su suegra: ¡Está bien!, venga adelante con nosotros!

If we are what we eat; Im cheap, fast, and easy.

The worlds first/worst lecturer? Guess who…

• He only had one publication.
• It was in Hebrew.
• It is doubted that he wrote it all himself.
• He never submitted it for peer criticism.
• He never gave any references.
• He did not have permission from the ethics board to use human subjects for his experiments.
• His students are always told to just read the text book (which is vague)
• If there was a lecture, it was on a mountain top and delivered by his son.
• When experiments went wrong, he drowned the subjects that didnt fit into his hypothesis.
• There were only 10 rules, but no one has ever passed a test.
• Scientists have had great difficulty in repeating the experiments which he made.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer, Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in
garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber, Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else
does.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked. Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus? Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher… Are you sure this is where he fell in?