A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.
The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week.
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, Ill stay with you and do *anything* you want.
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, What is it? Ive told you Im a beautiful Princess,
that Ill stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why wont
you kiss me?
The boy said, Look, Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.
It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
Yes. Come and join us, they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.
Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.
This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?
You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
That was fantastic, he panted.
So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.
Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.
I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old ladys appearance in his shop, answered Uh, yes, maam. We do.
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?
Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size.
Forming a 5 circle with her fingers, she then asked, A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?
Well… Yes, a few of them are about that big.
D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?
Yes, Maam, one of them does.
W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?
A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, Oh, about one penny. Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, Oh, about a second. Then the man asked. Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life? God replied, Sure, just wait a sec.
Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.
Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.
Put M&Ms on layaway.
Move CAUTION-WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
Switch signs on the mens and womens bathrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
Set up a Valet Parking sign out front.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream.
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.
Estaban tres náufragos en una isla desierta cuando de pronto los capturaron una tribu de canÃbales, de esos de huesito en la cabeza y todo.
Después de amarrarlos cada uno a un poste llega el jefe de la tribu con el primero de ellos y le pregunta: ¿Qué preferir: la muerte o MOÑO?
Le contesta el otro: No pos quien sabe que sea MOÑO pero la verdad yo no me quiero morir, asà es que MOÑO.
Y en cuanto voltea nomás ve a una fila india del tamaño de la muralla china, larga, larga, nomás se veÃan los huesitos en la cabeza y de uno por uno van pasando con él y MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…
Después de varias horas llega el jefe con el segundo y le hace la misma pregunta: La muerte o MOÑO?
Le responde: No pos la verdad, yo tampoco me quiero morir, pos nimodo, MOÑO, y no acababa de voltear cuando ya estaban todos ahà y MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…
Llega el jefe con el tercero de ellos y le hace la misma pregunta: La muerte o MOÑO?
No, que MOÑO ni que nada, le dice el tercero, yo soy muy hombre, a mi no me vengan con sus puterÃas, a mà mátenme, yo quiero la muerte.
Y le dice el jefe: Estar bien, si querer la muerte, tendrás la muerte pero primero MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…