Old and New Jokes

In the current film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the
finger to Jack (another character).Many people who have seen the film,
question whether giving the finger was done around the time of the
Titanic disaster,or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant
seventh-grader. According to research, heres the true story:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the
future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew (or pluck
yew).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waved their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant
mother pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F,and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also
because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is
known as giving the bird.

And yew all thought yew knew everything!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Tim, you be first, she said. What does your father do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, He is a doctor.

That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?

Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Sarah, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whore house.

The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billys father said, Well, I am actually a lawyer. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old boy?

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, Hey, you dont need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.

The lady asks, How do I do it without surgery?

Just rub toilet paper between them.

Startled the lady asks, How does that make them bigger?

I dont know, but it worked for your ass.

We all knew part of this as kids, but I never knew the whole thing…..

If a woodchuck could chuck wood,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,

If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not.

So it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some say Nott was not shot.

But Shott says he shot Nott.

Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.

If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.

But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.

However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Una noche, el padre va hasta la habitación de su pequeño hijo y lo escucha rezar: Dios bendiga a mamá, a papá y a la abuela. Adiós abuelo. Al padre le extraña un poco pero lo olvida, son cosas de chicos. Pero al día siguiente el abuelo muere y le vienen a la memoria las palabras de su hijo.

Un año después, y con el asunto olvidado, el padre nuevamente sorprende al pequeño rezando: Dios bendiga a mamá y a papá. Adiós abuela. El padre se asusta cuando al día siguiente la abuela muere, pero no se anima a contárselo a nadie para que no lo tomen por loco.

Tiempo después, el padre escucha en la noche: Dios bendiga a mamá. Adiós papá. El padre casi muere del susto en ese mismo momento. No pega un ojo en toda la noche y se levanta bien temprano, va en automóvil a la hora que no hay tránsito para evitar riesgos, pasa todo el día encerrado en su oficina; desayuna, almuerza y cena en el trabajo. Cuando se hace la medianoche regresa a su casa aliviado. Al llegar, la mujer le exige una explicacion por la tardanza, el hombre sólo alcanza a decir: Disculpa, tuve un dia terrible. Entonces enfurecida la mujer le grita: ¿Tú tuviste un día terrible? ¿Y el mío? Hoy vino el vecino y se murió en la puerta de casa.

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each other and thats how they find out everything.

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers Nu, Vus Tutzuch?

The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?

The part he puts in olive oil.

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.

To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.

So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself Theres my house and theres the lantern I put on the porch.

Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, I knew it, this my house cause my key works.

Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!

…and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
what’s your name and whatve you been doing the duck says my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and whatve you been doing, the second duck says my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles the duck replies: no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day!!!