Old and New Jokes

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice, she responded, How dare you make such a proposition to me!

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, I just asked for the time, miss.

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, Im terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, YOUD DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHATS THAT?….. AND YOUD DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except fathers mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com–

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santas workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds hes a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! youre all of you through,

Its Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist, Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist – Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And mum in her kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winters nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

I decided to try my spellchecker for accuracy. This is what happened when I used my Spellchecker on this story that I just made up!!

Eye remember when eye went two the jungle. We walked four miles and came two several hills. When eye went two the top of the first hill, eye could sea too bares, about tin lions, and sum tigers. And across the huge field, I saw the Game Warden in his Gnu truck.

I hollered to hymn, butt he couldnt here me! It was getting late and I new that I would knead sum food and water, if eye couldnt make it back two the camp before dark!

Eye also new that eye did knot have the supplies two stay ware eye was four very long!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove youre Albert
Einstein?Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, Can I have a blackboard and some chalk? Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really ARE Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven!The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?Saint Peter says, Go ahead.Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. You are definitely the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in!Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?Dubya looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.

Dos borrachos están tirados sobre la vía del tren cuando se acerca un policía y ve que uno de ellos está metiéndole el dedo allá al otro.

A ver, ¿usted qué hace? Acaso está ayudando a su amigo para que se salga de la vía?

No, mi cabo, estoy intentando que vomite.

Usted es tonto o se hace, así no lo va a conseguir.

Espere que ahora le meta el dedo en la garganta…

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldnt find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, Great, so now youre cheating on me with a bald woman!

The next night, when she didnt smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, Shes not only bald, but shes too cheap to buy any perfume!

Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

What do you call 32 mexican women?

A full set of teeth.

So he did.

Parece que Dios ya estaba acabando de crear el universo, pero todavía

le quedaban un par de cosas por repartir, así que decidió hablar con Adán y

Eva.

Les dijo que una de las cosas que aún le quedaban era algo que permitiría, a

quien lo tuviera, hacer pipí estando de pie.

Realmente es algo muy útil, les dijo Dios, y estaba pensando si les

interesaría a alguno de ustedes.

Adán empezó a dar saltos y le rogó, ¡Yo quiero eso! ¡Dámelo a mí, porque yo

sé cómo usarlo! Me parece que es justo la clase de cosa que un hombre debe

poder hacer. ¡Por favor! ¡Por favor! ¡Por favoooooor!¡Yo quiero eso!.

Y seguía pidiendo, mientras tiraba una de las mangas de la túnica de Dios.

Eva sonrió al ver esa escena y le dijo a Dios que si Adán deseaba tanto

eso, debería dárselo a él. Así que Dios le dio a Adán la cosa que le

permitiría hacer pipí de pie, y que lo tenía tan emocionado.

Apenas lo recibió, Adán fue corriendo a probarlo sobre un árbol, y después

escribió su nombre en la arena, mientras reía a carcajadas, encantado de lo

que podía hacer con su regalo.

Dios y Eva lo estuvieron mirando un rato, y entonces Dios le dijo a Eva,

Bien, aquí tienes la otra cosa que tengo para repartir, y que creo que te

pertenece.

¿Y cómo se llama?, preguntó Eva.

Cerebro, dijo Dios.