Old and New Jokes

Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, Ill have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says, its probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think its very fair for him to call you that.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says…

Oh, dont worry, its ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, What can I do?

The Colonel says, I need you to change the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken. If you do it, Ill donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.

The Pope replies, I am sorry. That is the Lords prayer and I can not change the words.

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. Ill give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken.

And the Pope responds, It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lords prayer, and I cant change the words.

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily chicken I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.

The Pope replies, Let me get back to you.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.

My sister-in-law, a just-graduating medical student, tells me that one
night during work at the hospital she was interviewing a black female
patient . . . she came to the question:

Maam, are you sexually active?

To which the woman replied:

Well . . . sometimes I is . . . and sometimes I just lays there.

-joseph hall

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Sex is only dirty when its done right.

Yo mama went to Weight Watchers and the only thing she lost was $19.95…

A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION

There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned.
She was considering a weeks vacation in sunny Florida at a
particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
accommodations first.

Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldnt
bring herself to write toilet in a letter. After considerable
deliberation, she settled on bathroom commode, but when she
wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the
letter to the campground, and referred to the bathroom commode
as the B.C..

Does the campground have its own B. C.? is what she actually
wrote.

The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed
the letter around to several people at the campground, but they
couldnt decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church,
so he sat down and responded:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I
now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine
miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250
people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you
will be pleased to know that a great number of people take
their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive
early and stay late!

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it
was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were
there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a
supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper
is going to be held in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able
to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire
on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather!

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY
KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WELL ALL
ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!

Robert (Bob) Pitts
MID-LYD Systems

For a boys 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, Go into town and see what you can get with this. The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find.

He first ran into a hooker who offered, Ill have sex with you if you give me the duck.

He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, If you do it again, Ill give you the duck back.

He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.

Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.

His reply: Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinists head is so much bigger.