Old and New Jokes

yo mamas so fat you can make a coat out of her belly button lint

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat

STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: What the heck

are you doing down there?

And the fellow shouts back: Yoga!

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeos last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincolns mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant Fight Darkness!

Un viejito llega a la panadería y le dice a la joven que lo atiende:

Cheñorita me puede dar 500 piezas de pan.

Oiga señor, pero eso es mucho pan para usted solo. Se le va poner duro.

De echo che trata mija.

Un hombre llega a una entrevista de trabajo. El jefe de recursos humanos le pregunta:

A ver, dígame: seguro estudió alguna maestría ¿no?

No, señor, responde el hombre.

¿Estudios de economía?

Tampoco, señor. No alcance a terminar el bachillerato.

Y, entonces, ¿se cree capacitado para el puesto?

No, señor, yo no sé hacer nada.

El reclutador, medio desesperado, vuelve a preguntarle:

Pero si trae usted la fotocopia de su cédula profesional, ¿no?

No, señor.

¿Y su cartilla?

Tampoco.

¿Recomendaciones?

¡No, señor, no traje nada!

Entonces, ¿por qué se presenta?

Pues por lo del aviso.

¿Cuál aviso?

El que pusieron en el periódico, ese que decía en letras grandes: INÚTIL PRESENTARSE SIN PAPELES.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

There was a man who walked up to the bartender talking to his hand the bartender says i have a cell phone installed in my hand the bartender says whatever the man asks where the bathroom is the bartender points to it a half an hour later the man is still not back from the bathroom yet so the bartender goes to check on him the man is lying down on the floor with his pants down holding a roll of toilet paper the bartender says what the hell are you doing the man replies reicieving a fax

Q: How does a blond know if shes on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.