Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bills speaking engagements?
A: So you cant see her adams apple move as he speaks.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, What did you do?

The woman says, I committed adultery.

The priest says, How many times?

And the woman replies, Three.

Priest: Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, Father forgive me for I have sinned.

What did you do?

‘I committed adultery.

How many times?

Three times.

The priest says, Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says, What did you do?

The woman replies, I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, How many times?

The woman replies, Once.

The rabbi said, Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.

Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.

A desi dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?
He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, What do they do here?
He is told First they put you in anelectric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home…

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custers Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.

Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head is a halo.

In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, What the hell has this got to do with Custers Last Thought?

The artist replied, Custers Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.

The Heavy Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – to relax, I told myself – but I knew it wasnt true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment dont mix, but I couldnt stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, What is it exactly we are doing here?.

Things werent going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mothers.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you dont stop thinking on the job, youll have to find another job. This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

Honey, I confessed, Ive been thinking…

I know youve been thinking, she said, and I want a divorce!

But Honey, surely its not that serious.

It is serious, she said, lower lip aquiver. You think as much as college professors, and college professors dont make any money, so if you keep on thinking we wont have any money!

Thats a faulty syllogism, I said impatiently, and she began to cry. Id had enough. Im going to the library, I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didnt open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life? it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porkys. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Bill Gates, el hombre más rico del mundo, el creador de Microsoft había muerto y llega con San Pedro.

San Pedro le dice: Mira, te mereces el Cielo, porque gracias a ti los humanos tienen una vida más cómoda y hay una computadora en cada casa, pero por esa porquería de Windows 95 te mandaría directo al infierno, así que te voy a dejar escoger.

Lo deja entrar al Cielo, y Gates observa un coro de ángeles cantando, y mucha paz y tranquilidad, y piensa: Esto está bien, pero es muy aburrido.

Entonces, le pide a San Pedro que le deje ver el infierno. Atraviesan las puertas del cielo y Gates se sorprende de ver a unas modelos desnudas en la playa, tomando el sol, en una gran fiesta. Por supuesto, el multimillonario opta por la segunda opción.

San Pedro se despide de él y, después de 2 semanas, decide ver que tal la pasa su amigo en el infierno y en un rato libre se asoma por ahí. Al llegar, ve que unos demonios están torturándolo con cadenas y látigos. En el momento, Gates le pregunta desconcertado que qué había pasado con la fiesta y con las mujeres desnudas.

¡Ah, ese era el protector de pantalla!