It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you dont have to explain why.
The Bryant Gumbel farewell garnered the highest. Today Show ratings in
seven years. It just goes to show that if you give the viewers what they
want, theyll tune in, says Bob Mills.
Its okay if youre a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
Theres nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
Its not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
Were all made up of mostly water.
You know youve made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Dont get too much sun.
Its embarrassing when you cant look down and see your feet.
Its fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
Theres no stopping you once youre on a roll.
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising Christian Puppies. Their interest piqued, they go inside. How do you know theyre Christian puppies?Watch, says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, Fetch the Bible. The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, Find Psalm 23. The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks Does he also know regular commands?Gee, we dont know. We didnt ask, replies the husband.Turning to the dog, he says, Sit. The dog sits. He says, Lie down. The dog lies down. He says Roll over. The dog rolls over. He says Heel. The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owners forehead and bows his head.Oh look! the wife exclaims. Hes PENTECOSTAL!
There are a Couple of things you should know
When Im born, Im black
When I grow up, Im black
When I go in the sun, Im black
When Im cold, Im black
When Im sick, Im black
And when I die, Im still black.
You white fella
When youre born, youre pink
When you grow up, youre white
When you go in the sun, youre red
When youre cold, youre blue
When youre scared, youre yellow
When youre sick, youre green
And when you die, youre gray.
And you have the nerve to call me colored???
Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play.
In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite Finnish dishes.
In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie.
It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of … the father, the son and the goalie host.
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.
A nurse walked by and said, Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, Dammit! Some asshole has my pen.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.