Old and New Jokes

Knock knock

Whos there?



Lettuce



Lettuce who?



Lettuce pray!

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off
white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

What seems to be the problem, Madam? asked the attendant.

Cant you see? she said, Youve sat me next to a kafir. I cant
possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!

Please calm down, Madam. the stewardess replied. The flight is very
full today, but Ill tell you what Ill do. Ill go and check to see if we
have any seats available in club or first class.

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the
stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who
cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and
self-satisfied grin.

Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. Ive spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one
seat in first class.

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: It is
most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to
get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person.

With that, she turned to the black man and said: So if youd like to get
your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

Im sorry sir, she said politely, but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.

Three married couples, aged 20, 30, and 40 years old, want to join the Orthodox
Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest
informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one
small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all
agree to try.

A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He
asks the 40 year old couple how they did. Well, it wasnt too hard. I
spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty
of other things to do. We did OK. the husband said.

Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did
you manage? he asked the 30 year old couple.

It was pretty difficult, the husband answered. We thought about it all
the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we
were celibate for the entire month.

Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about
you? he asked the 20 year old couple.

Not too good, Im afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week., he said
sheepishly. By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she
bent over to pick it up, I… I weakened and took her right there.

Im sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church

Yeah, and were not too welcome in the A&P anymore, either.

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, NONE! The teacher replies, None, how do you figure that? The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence. The teacher replies, Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says, Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies, Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

A feeble old man is in his doctors office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

Yes, Doc, the old man slowly responded. My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise. Youre 84 years old, and youre in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

Well, the old man said, I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so thats why Im here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said, I would think that at your age, you wouldnt complain about a high sex drive.

Doc, the old man said, You dont understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husbands lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, just as I do at the dinner table.

Amused by his wifes formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. Is that better? he asked, with a hint of a smile.

Yes, replied the girl, much better.

Very good, darling, the husband whispered. Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

Estaba una pareja de casados haciendo un 69 cuando, de repente, la esposa exclama:

¡Viejo, viejo, asesinaron a Ruiz Massieu!

Molesto, el esposo le reclama:

Ya te dije que no veas tanto las noticias por TV.

Y yo ya te dije que de una buena vez por todas dejes de limpiarte el culo con el periódico, contesta la mujer con un mohín.

Your house is so dusty the roaches ride around in dune buggies.