21
Jan

Misunderstanding (innuendo, could be offensive to Italians)

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi.

21
Jan

The Second World War history

The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for the allies.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced sink us), the shoulder patch of the US Armys 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitlers private train was named Amerika. All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being Killed was 71%.

Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

Germanys power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.

Worse yet the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasnt worth the effort.

A number of air crewman died of farts.(ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them). It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army – Joseph Stalin

The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops that WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.

Among the first Germans captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for The German Army until the US Army captured them.

A malfunctioning toilet sank German submarine U-120.

The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germanys newest radar system.

One of Japans methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat. – LtGen. Mutaguchi

Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the fire fight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for the US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I dont know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officers mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious Heavy Water. He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

20
Jan

Knock Knock Whos there? Ike! Ike who? Ike-nt stop

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ike!
Ike who?
Ike-nt stop laughing!

20
Jan

Letters to God — Part 1

The following are letters from children to GOD.







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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

-Jane







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Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.

Love, Alison







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Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

-Lucy







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Dear GOD, Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

-Anita







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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

-Norma







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Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now?

-Jane







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Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?

-Nan







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Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

-Neil







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Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

-Jane







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Dear GOD, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother.

-Darla







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Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

-Joyce







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Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)





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Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.

-Tom L.







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Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

-Bruce







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Dear GOD, If we come back as something – please dont let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.

-Denise

20
Jan

fine

Girl your so fine i wish i could plant you and have a whole bunch of yall

20
Jan

George Carlin funnies!

George Carlin

Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills

now? Like bills arent distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.

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Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). Thats how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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Cripes

My wifes from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh? of the church of Holy Moly. Im not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

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Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We cant help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, how can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we cant see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

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Pregnancy:

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my

god. Hes kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I dont do that when I have gas. Oh my god…give me your hand…It wont be long now…

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Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior

Citizen. You dont want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

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Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is

tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. Whats that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when youre too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until youre young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…you finish off as a gleam.

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Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each

prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I dont think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they dont want to run, they can rest in the chair thats hooked up to the generator.

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Award Shows:

Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

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Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice theres always like 18% I dont know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…Theyre voting I dont know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DONT KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe youre not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) Im not in the mood.

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Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someones

answering machine? Hi, Its a great day and Im out enjoying it right

now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

20
Jan

Smiling Snowman

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

19
Jan

Little boy

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer cant be found. So he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, I think I can stand over the hole! So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, Grab for my thingy and pull yourself up. And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.



The moral of the story:



If you are hung like a horse, you dont need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

19
Jan

If flattery gets you nowhere,

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

19
Jan

Why did the teacher draw a dot on the floor for his students?

– He wanted to illustrate a point.