Old and New Jokes

Knock, knock?

Whos there?

Megan and chicken

Megan and chicken who?

Hes megan a list and chicken it twice, hes gonna find out whos naughty and nice…

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadnt worked. The second decided to try.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadnt worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did yknow that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But thats what yr friends hae been trying to tell me."

Two men were hunting in the woods.One man tuned to the other and said Wait here and if anything happens scream.



As the man walked out of the woods he heard his friend scream.So he ran back as fast as he could.





When he got to his friend he asked him what was wrong. His friend answered Well first a deer thretened to buck me, but I didnt scream, then a bear thretened to claw mu face in, but I didnt scream, then two chipmunks ran up my pants leg and asked which nut shall we eat first? Then I screamed!

What do you call an artist who broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

If a roosters on top of a barn door and lays an egg, does the egg fall on the north or the south side?
Roosters dont lay eggs, stupid!

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?

Because they dont have any balls to scratch.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they dont have any balls to scratch.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
If youre going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!

My mother taught me RELIGION:
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC:
Because I said so, thats why.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY:
Keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished.

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times – dont exaggerate!

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about ENVY:
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!

To be sung to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Barney got run over by a tractor

Best of all it happened on TV

All the little children are unhappy

I am just beside myself with glee

He was singing to the kiddies

You Wuv Me and I Wuv You

Now he is just a piece of roadkill

Some furry purple bits of dino-goo.

Chorus

I dont think the children like me

But though I killed him, its not wrong

Were saved from evil propaganda

That purple, nazi mind-controllers gone

Chorus

My trial date is set for Tuesday

I wont get off (so Ive been told)

10 million kiddies saw me do it

And the judge and jury all are six years old …

Okay, everyone… a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought
yall might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can
be called that.

On a whim, I decided to visit Hormels main plant, and, after a tour, we were
allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was one… I
dont think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat product, but
to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the taste brings tears
to my eyes.

I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could give
me the recipe. She frowned, and said, Im afraid not. Well, I said, would
you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, Yes. I asked how
much, and she responded, Two-fifty. I said with approval, just add it to my
tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was $285.00.
I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple of tins, and
about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom of the
statement, it said, Recipe–$250.00. Boy, was I upset! I called Hormels
Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was two-fifty, and I did
not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked them to take back the
recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the
recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our
delicacies… the bill would stand.

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money
back. I just said, Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now Im going to have
$250.00 worth of fun. I told her that I was going to see to it that every
gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She replied, I
wish you wouldnt do this. I said, Im sorry but this is the only way I feel
I could get even, and I will.

So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies… I
paid for it; now you can have it for free.

(Trust me; this recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as
you can at once, which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of
course):
1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but cant be
used for any other purpose, even hot dogs)
1 gallon castor oil
1 salt lick
1 gallon vomit
16 lbs recycled plastic

The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or
anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly
in a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook
it; in experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling
in motor oil. But the specific method of cooking doesnt matter much;
with such an extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know
the difference. When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at
Hormel, it came in dark blue tins with four large white or yellow
letters–I wont specify which four letter word, because there are
some people who find it to be more obscene and offensive than a certain
crude word for sex), and open and enjoy at leisure. You dont need to
worry about it spoiling; bacteria wont touch it, and at any rate
there is a specific reason why it cant go bad. Makes at least 112
tins.

Have fun!! This is not a joke — this is a true story. Thats it. Please,
pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc…

Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot…

I feel a little guilty for presuming to speak about how to best serve a
delicacy so wonderful–the final word must go to gourmets and chefs with a
taste far more refined than mine–but there are a thousand ways in which it
may be served, and, after a little experimenting, I really HAVE to share with
you my personal favorite:

Open one tin; slice thinly. Marinate in pesto sauce, with a touch of
thyme. Roast slowly over an open flame (I have found wood–
preferably oak–to work best), then THROW THE STUPID THING OUT THE
WINDOW AND COOK YOURSELF A STEAK.