Old and New Jokes

A self-centered, unbelieving man… ok a lawyer… died and was delivered into the devils hands. You will be spending eternity here, but Ill let you pick your own room from three Ill show you, the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. I dont like that, said the man. Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. Well, thats better than brick, the man said, but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

Ill choose this room, he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Utica!
Utica who?
Utica the high road and Ill take the low road!

Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.

21. Thou shalt not upload worm programs.

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, What flag is this?



A little girl called out, Thats the flag of our country.



Very good, the teacher said. And what is the name of our country?



Tis of thee, the girl said confidently.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

In my university bookshop the other day, inquiring about the availability
of a book for my research, I told the lady behind the counter that I had
all the details of the book, and asked if she wanted the Title, Author list,
Publisher, or what ?

The ISBN number is all I need. Its the world standard ! With the ISBN
number, I can locate the book on the computer and order it for you

I handed over the sheet of paper with the details and pointed to the ISBN
number.

Oh, damn, youve got the American ISBN number, and we need the European ISBN
number.

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and
saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelts opponent in the 1936 election) had
died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to
tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?

The man replied, I am only interested in the obituaries.

But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper.

Young man, he said, the son of a bitch Im looking for will be on the
front page.

Heres a joke I came up with last year that seems it should already have
existed, but Ive never heard it.

Why is American beer served cold?

So you can tell it from urine.