Old and New Jokes

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?

It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30s was
getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in
a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find
the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.

So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the
sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, I have the
perfect pet for you, sir, disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges
with
a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a
dog or a cat, discovers a frog.

A frog? he asks disbelievingly.

Ah, says the salesman, but not just any frog. I really think youll
be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it
does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week
for a full refund.

Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under
his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes
the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing
special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings
it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say,

Excuse me.

He looks around. Theres no one there. He locked the door. He is five
floors up, so there couldnt possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks
anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then
shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again,

Pardon me.

The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming…from the
frog?

Yes, over here.

Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.

I couldnt help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini,
there.

The man is confused. You…you talk?

The frog chuckles. Oh, of course I talk. But that martini…well, I
just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one
exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too–

The man recovers his poise. Would you care for one?

The frog hops gratefully out of its box. Why, thank you. Most people
are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be
different.

Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right
away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they
both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend
tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog
into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen,
selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humourous
conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog
is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.

Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in
its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights
out the frog discreetly clears its throat.

I wonder… it begins tentatively, I wonder if you would mind
very much…

What is it? the man asks.

Well, the frog says, I feel so close to you…I mean, we share so
many interests, weve eaten and drunk together…I just somehow wouldnt feel
right sleeping in a box. Could you…do you think I might possibly just sleep
on the pillow next to you?

Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts
the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night,
turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears
another discreet cough.

Excuse me, the frog whispers. I really hate to ask this, and dont
think I mean anything by it, but… It pauses.

The man sighs. What do you want?

The frog shifts about uncomfortably. Well, its just that Ive grown
accustomed to…that is…you see, Ive always been kissed good night, before.

The man shakes his head. No. Im sorry, but no matter how unique you
are, youre still a frog.

The frog interrupts. No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little
peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me…

Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful
addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing cant possibly hurt
that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses
the frog…

<<< POOF!! >>

When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly
beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling
blissfully up at him.

And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be…

shefter-bret@yale.ARPA

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if hes right? That has not happened yet.

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.
8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, its Vomit Man!"
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – Youre now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************

MONDAYS:

8:00 – Husseinfeld

8:30 – Mad About Everything

9:00 – Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

10:00 – Allah McBeal



TUESDAYS:

8:00 – Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 – The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right

9:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things

9:30 – Iraqs Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer



WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed

8:30 – When Kurds Attack

9:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah

9:30 – Just Shoot Me

10:00 – Veilwatch



THURSDAYS:

8:00 – Matima Loves Chachi

8:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 – My Two Baghdads

10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy



FRIDAYS:

8:00 – Everybody Loves Saddam Or Hell Have Them Shot

8:30 – Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other

9:00 – Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things

9:30 – Achmeds Creek

10:00 – Matlock

Mays Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so hell call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
40,000 lyra!

Confucious say…

All who fly upside-down have crack up.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

He who shits brick has square hole.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk!!!