If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?
Why do they sterlize needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Elderly woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.
Her: Arent you Ed Filby? I havent seen you in thirty-years.
Him: Thats me.
Her: You look pretty good – but a little pale. Where you been?
Him: Been in jail actually.
Her: Really! What did you do?
Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and
put her in the garbage disposal.
Her: Oh!… so youre not married!
Un niño todos los dias molestaba a otro diciéndole:
Oye, Pedro ¿conoces a Juan?
A lo que el otro le respondÃa:
¿Qué Juan?
Y el primer niño con una soberbia carcajada le decÃa:
Agárrame los huevos que se me van.
Esto pasó por varios dÃas hasta que el niño le dijo a su mamá que asà lo molestaban y la mamá le dijo:
La próxima vez que te lo encuentres tu le dices asÃ: le preguntas por un tal Ernesto y cuando te diga ¿qué Ernesto? tu le dices Agárrame estos…
Y al otro dÃa el niño va contento porque se iba a desquitar y se encuentra al niño que lo molestaba y le dice:
Oye, ¿y tu conoces a Ernesto?
Y el niño más abusado le dice:
Ah sÃ, el primo de Juan…
¿Qué Juan?
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephants backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
What the %$*& is so funny? asked one of the scientist.
You should have seen the monkeys face trying to get the cork back in!!!
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time… right?
Person 2: Yeah… today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, lets turn off the lights.
And to think — I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…
Holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut
butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth…
Smile, youre on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
Youre good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really… I do this part better myself!
Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Youre almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps youre just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Youll still vote for me, wont you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic — dont you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.
Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I dont do toes!
You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.
So thats why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…
How long do you plan to be almost there?
You mean youre NOT my blind date?
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride. Instead, he played in the box it came in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars worth of scotch.
50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy…
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them its their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissettes You Outta Know, loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they dont comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his little princess.
17. Be late for everything. Yell if theyre late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when theyre wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to I Will Survive while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim youre fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, Whats wrong? tell them that if they dont know, youre not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend youre interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, What are you thinking?
46. Get mad if they dont notice a haircut. Even if its only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldnt stand the sight of money.
(the way I heard it…)
At the beginning of World War II, the English were helping the Resistance in one of the Scandinavian countries. There was a problem, however. Their guns – excuse me, their rifles – kept freezing in the winter cold.
They found that a condom rolled down over the muzzle helped, and the English requested supplies of extra-long (two feet? whatever…) from an English manufacturer. Winston Churchill himself okayed the order, but had the maker print British Made – Size Small on the special rubbers.
As the Germans advanced, the English retreated – but left the condoms behind for the Nazis benefit.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, PULLOVER!
NO, she yelled back over the sound of the siren, Its a SCARF!