Old and New Jokes

When I hear on the news about someone being killed execution style, it
makes me wonder what other styles there are.

– Blair Bostick

All of them!

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.

One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.

Easy, was the reply. Tonight was my turn to be the decoy.

Q: Whats the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Un físico, un ingeniero y un matemático viajan en tren por Escocia. Al observar por la ventana ven una oveja negra.

Ajá, veo que las ovejas escocesas son negras, observa el físico.

Humm, querrás decir que algunas ovejas escocesas son negras, aclara el ingeniero.

No, todo lo que sabemos es que existe al menos una oveja en Escocia, y que por lo menos uno de sus lados es negro, objeta el matemático.

How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Bill Clintons screw interns, not lightbulbs.

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didnt have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?

He said, Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But Ill be damned if that gynecologist didnt stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little
girls grandmother.

On their way back to the car through the cemetery, the little girl
asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

Of course not, dear, replied the mother, Why would you think that?

The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest
man.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?

No, says Monica. Mustard!

Night before her wedding, the beautiful and dutiful Jewish bride to be asked her Rabbi father for some sound advice.


Pappa, I dont know what to wear when I greet my husband in bed. Do I wear a sexy, see through, low cut shortie nightie to make him want me? Or do I wear a thick cotton nightdress that covers me from neck to toes that a respectable girl like me should wear?


Her father the Rabbi replied it makes no difference, you are going to get screwed anyway!