A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesnt like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"The husband replies, "Autumn."
14
Oct
13
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Plato!
Plato who?
Plato fish and chips please!
13
Oct
Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
13
Oct
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.
13
Oct
John: Were you wearing pants when you were born?
Joe: I think so. Why do you ask?
John: It would explain why the first thing people see when they look at you is an asshole!
13
Oct
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you cant understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, theyre really good people.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck cant, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
13
Oct
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, Youre in charge of sweeping.
To the Irishman he says Youre in charge of shovelling.
To the Chinese guy, Youre in charge of supplies.
He then says Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: Why didnt you sweep any of it!?
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat de Chinesea guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didnt shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin him.
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
!!Supplies!!
13
Oct
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
12
Oct
Un hombre ya querÃa jubilarse y lleva al hijito de 25, Manolito, a conocer la fábrica de chorizos. Le empieza a enseñar el negocio, el area comercial, contable, personal, etc. Cuando llegan a la planta, le dice:
Mira Manolito, esta es la maquina principal, por este lado metes el burro y por aquel salen los chorizos.
Manolito contesta: Ah por este lado meto el chorizo y por aquel sale el burro.
Joder, por este lado metes el burro y por aquel salen los chorizos.
Ah comprendo, papá.
Continuaron con la visita y cuando disponian irse para comer Manolito le dice a su Papá:
A ver si recuerdo bien, esa es la maquina principal y por este lado meto el chorizo y por aquel sale el burro.
¡Joder! ¡Mira Manolo, la única máquina en el mundo por la que metes un chorizo y sale un burro, es el coño de tu madre!
12
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jess!
Jess who?
I give up, who?