Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

A: Oh look! Donut seeds!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, Well its used to being in its mothers pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in there it will calm down.

She exclaims, Im not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies, Well, why dont you just hold its little nose!

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work.

When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea.

Then, when you wanted to jazz up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now we have a lot of new, younger choir members and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!

But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought youd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think youve come up with another good idea.

However, the neon sign out front that says Tootn tell or go to hell has to go!

Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say Excelleeeeeent !

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Betsy Sue Jim Bob was walking down the street when she noticed her grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

Grandpa, what are you doing? she exclaimed.

The old ma looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? she asked again.

The old man slowly looked at her and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmas idea.

This guy has lived up in the mountains for a long time. He hikes down to this bar and goes in and says, Bartender, I have to get laid.

The bartender says, Well, all we have is Bob in the back.

The guy says, No way man! I dont go for that gay stuff, and hikes back up the mountain.

About a year later, he hikes down to the bar again and says, Bartender, I have got to get laid!

The bartender says, Well, like I told you before, all we have is Bob in the back.

The guy again tells the bartended that he isnt gay. However, as he has a couple of beers, he starts thinking about how long its been since he was with a woman, and finally asks the bartender, Listen, if I do this, whos going to know about it? I mean, I dont want people to think Im gay.

The bartender says, The only ones who will know about it are you, me, and the two guys holding down Bob, because he aint gay either.

A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word CAUTION. Leaning closer, my friend read, To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick.