Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?



Well, beer nuts are about a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine, will never be able to support you.

Why do blondes like blonde jokes? It makes them feel popular.

A drunk (D) is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy
street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed
young man (YM) standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by.
As D is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the YM says
something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes
his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby
row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down the stairs, grinning from
ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies.
Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from YM, merely
nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear
what was being said, but just couldnt make it out. Finally, his
curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled
over to the young man.

D: Shay, bud. Wha goin on?

YM: Yes, I saw you watching. I wondered when you would come over.
Well, its like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady
that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, Tickle
your ass with a feather? If she is agreeable to the idea,
we go upstairs to my room, and have a good time. If she becomes
upset, I merely say, Typical nasty weather. She assumes that
she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I cant
loose!

D: (now swaying) Thas a grate idea! Ill have to run home and try
it mysel.

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the
fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes (VLL) walking briskly along, and
the drunk decides that this is his CHANCE. So he stumbles over to the
lady and grabs her arm.

VLL: Yes?

D: (shouting) HEY BABE, CN I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?

VLL: WHAT?

D: (looking at the sky) Fuckin rain!

Last summer at a state park in Kansas a man went to relieve himself
fairly late at night–about 11:00 p.m. He took out his wallet for
some reason or other and ended up dropping a fair amount of money down
the pit. I think it was about $200. Well, he took off his shoes and
tried to retrieve the money with his toes.

The next morning state troopers found him there and described the
situation: He was stuck in the part of the outhouse you dont want to
get stuck in. They said that the man, after being retrieved and being
hosed down, was in a pretty ugly mood.

Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get him down?

A: Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them hes a pinata.

Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.