Old and New Jokes

Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.

THE TWO-COW EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES…



A CHRISTIAN:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.



A SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.



A REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?



A DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.



A COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.



A FASCIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.



A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you dont know where they are. You break for lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A MEXICAN CORPORATION:

You think you have two cows, but you dont know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.



A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.



A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

Sung to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 a Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 pack of Redman

6 cans of spam

5 FLANNEL SHIRTS….

4 big mo tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and parts to a Mustang GT…

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?

Uhh, oh yeah, O.K. responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.

Thats $1020!!! yelled Dad, Are you going crazy???

Dont worry hon, Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!