Old and New Jokes

Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!

20 Reasons Throwing Up is Better thanDormFood



After you throw up, you feel better.



You can throw up whenever you want.



When you throw up, you dont have to wait in line.



Throw-up is always warm.



You dont have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.



When youre throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.



You can lose weight throwing up.



You dont have to pay to throw up.



Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.



When you throw up, you dont have to come back for seconds.



You dont have to throw up everyday.



Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.



You can throw up without a photo ID.



Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.



They dont ration throw-up.



After you throw up, at least you know what youve eaten.



Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.



You dont have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.



A dog will eat throw-up.



After you throw up, at least theres some taste in your mouth.

This was a practical joke my cousins came up with for a good laugh.

There just happened to be six of us together with nothing to do. So we got the phone book, picked out a number at random, and the first person dialed.

When the person answered, my cousin asked for a random name – lets say, Harold.

No Harold here, came the answer.

Are you sure theres no Harold there? she insisted.

Positive.

The stage was set.

About half an hour later, another cousin called the same number and asked for Harold.

Same reply.

Over the course of two hours, three more of us called the same number, asking for the same Harold, while this poor man on the other line had to tell each of us the same thing, and getting more and more frustrated each time. (Of course, since he assumed we were totally unrelated in any way, he wasnt blowing over or anything.)

Finally, I called about an hour later.

Hi, this is Harold. Did I get any messages?

SCENARIO Big black bear walks into a bar in British Columbia, Canada and sits up at the bar.

BLACK BEAR A beer please, bartender.

BARTENDER We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR Come on. just one.

BARTENDER Ill tell you once more. We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR If you dont give me a beer, Ill go and eat the girl sitting at the end of this bar.

SCENARIO No beer. Bear eats girl sitting at bar!

BARTENDER I told you we dont serve big, black bears beer in bars, especially one on drugs.

BLACK BEAR I dont do drugs!

BARTENDER Yes you do, … that was a bar bitch you ate!

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.

The cowboy said, How long have you been down there in that awful hole?

The Indian replied, Many moons.

A pedophile and a young boy are walking through a dark forest when the boy says Its getting dark and Im scared when the pedophile says Youre scared, I gotta walk outta here by myself!

One day, a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. Eighty dollars, says the dentist.

Thats a ridiculous amount!, the man says. Isnt there a cheaper way?

Well…, the dentist says, if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60. Looking annoyed the man says, Thats still too expensive!

Okay, says the dentist. If I save on anaesthetics and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.

Nope, moans the man, its still too much!. Well, says the dentist, scratching his head, if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.

Marvellous!, says the man, Book my wife for next Tuesday.

Un grupo de cubanos abandonan la isla con rumbo a Miami. En medio del viaje, el más viejo de los cubanos sufre un ataque cardiaco y pide como último deseo ver la bandera para despedirse de su querida Cuba.

Los otros cubanos, para complacer el deseo del viejo, comenzaron a buscar la bandera en pañuelos, carteras, chaquetas, cualquier lugar donde pudiera estar impresa. Después de un rato, cansados de buscar, se dieron cuenta de que no tenían nada con la bandera, pero de repente una joven de 20 años interrumpió diciendo:

Yo tengo un tatuaje de la bandera de Cuba en una nalga y me ofrezco para ayudar con la petición del anciano.

La niña, que estaba bien rica, se para delante del cubano, se da vuelta, baja sus pantalones y le muestra su nalga con el tatuaje de la bandera. El cubano la agarra fuertemente, besa la bandera, acaricia la nalga y dice:

Mi querida Cuba, me despido con recuerdos, mi vieja Habana, mi linda tierra.

Después de un rato (y muchos besos), le dice a la joven:

Mira, niña. Ahora, como parte de mi último deseo, ¡date la vuelta que quiero despedirme de Fidel con un beso bien grande!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, Life isnt so bad after all, and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

Thank you, he said. I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

Dancing? Im not dancing! the armless man replied bitterly…


My asshole itches, and I cant scratch it!

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.
She called it Harrybutt.
She had a child and named in Crack.
She lost Crack and couldnt find him.
So she called the police and said, I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldnt find my crack!