Old and New Jokes

Happiness is a positive cash flow.

New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90s:

• DIVORCED BARBIE
  comes with all of Kens accessories

• TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE
  welfare check from Mattel mailed each month

• CRACK ADDICT BARBIE
  pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine

• BOULEVARD BARBIE
  with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels

• LESBIAN BARBIE
  Barbie with a butch

• LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE
  actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie

• BULIMOREXIA BARBIE
  also no different in appearance from regular Barbie

• BRUNETTE BARBIE
  the only Barbie with a brain

• QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE
  yeah, right

• BOW-WOW BARBIE
  the ugliest Barbie youve ever seen

• PUNK BARBIE
  has rings in all sorts of strange places

• NAVY PILOT BARBIE
  comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately

• BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE
  now Barbies a D-cup

• CANCER PATIENT BARBIE
  remove the wig and Barbies bald

• BLACK BARBIE
  once your Ken doll goes black, hell never go back

• FEMINIST BARBIE
  has unshaved legs and armpits

• BATTERED WIFE BARBIE
  comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken

• BARBIE BOBBIT
  with knife, Ken had better watch out

• BAG LADY BARBIE
  Complete with shopping cart; wearing everything she owns.

Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them.

Dont take offense, ladies, this is a list for humor, after all. I mean, its not like its about smokers or anything. Besides, Im sure one of yall could come up with a list like this for the penis. Too bad the first one wouldnt apply, though.

The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You would not *believe* the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really cant interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.
If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think youre just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself why on earth did I do that?
Some folks have it, some dont.

Those who have it think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior.
Those who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it spend all their time trying to access it.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

Note: I didnt write this. I have no idea what a dongle is.

On Appearance

Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris…a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.

Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable for her male.

T-shirts are great. It doesnt take much male imagination to know that in less than five seconds, they are off over your head.

Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.

On Dating

If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him..

If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time. Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him. Be a bitch, not a nag… Bitchy females get the men.

Dont pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He is hungry and everything bothers him.

Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.

On Sex

Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.

Dont expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.

Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.

If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on top.

A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.

Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.

One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.

After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female… After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.

If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.

If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy… Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.

Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.. If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.

On Things Women Know About Men

Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they become boring.

Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and subsequent sexual acts.

If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to fight off this idea… If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.

This really happened. 😎

A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches
as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however,
she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control.
Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her
hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and
called, but the dog wouldnt come back. Since she couldnt chase
after it, she eventually gave up and went home.

A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door.
When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a
dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it
was the neighbors pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able
to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the
weekend, she hit upon a plan.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew
its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors
backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the
neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the
cage. They would never suspect what really happened.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there
was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone
in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, Did you
see anything strange going on around our house or yard? Again, she
denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, Why are you asking me
these questions? What happened? He said, Well, something really
strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we
buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend,
it was back in the cage!

[Ed: This is, of course, one of the jokes which is described as an urban
legend in that series of books. It reminds me of the story of the
Australian baggage handlers
who found a dead cat in an animal shipment container. Worried they
would get in trouble over it, the went out and bought a similar cat
and replaced the dead one. Little did they know that the cat was
being shipped back to its owner for burial. Now thats service! ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ozzie!
Ozzie who?
Ozzie you later!

A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?

Absolutely, the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read Consultation: $25.00.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. – Walt Disney

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot.

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,Wow, hes a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button…Va-voom..

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, Poor guy, shes pretty but teachers are just too frigid.

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teachers husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurses husband wanting breakfast. The nurses husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The mans pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, Son, dont ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, Youre not sanitary, youre not sanitary.

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operators husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The mans hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked, What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices.

The man sourly replies Son, dont ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, Youre three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teachers husband called for breakfast.

Dave cant believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst, asked What happened to you? Did you have a fight?

The man smiled and happily replied, No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.