Old and New Jokes

*** Things that can and do bother the normal person. ***

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a blank stare when you look at them.

Theres always a car riding your tail when youre slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

Its bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you dont realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you dont even have a dog!

Theres a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and

discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope…OUCH!

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while youre trying to get a reading.

You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling…DOUBLE OUCH!

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

You cant look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you dont know how to spell it!

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that youre just browsing.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Youve named your kids Deduction one and Deduction two.

Visualize whirled peas.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two – 1 to do it and 1 not to do it.

More leg-room!

• You will never have an extra blank disk.

• If you do bring along a blank disk, you wont need it.

• If you dont bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable and uniquely appropriate program.

• If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (thats a technical term).

• The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.

• No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.

• You will amaze yourself at how much you know.

• You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.

• You will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many.

• The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.

• The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.

• You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.

• You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. For no discernible reason.

• When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume your printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesnt care. Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do, which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of coffee/tea.

• You will never know what a user file is.

• The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursdays paper at 30% less.

• Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.

• It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.

• The 800 number will be busy.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

A: Put your hand in the bell and miss notes.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.

The first guy says to the second. You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything theyll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isnt able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?

The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant
about all the new technology. A technician followed her
onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking
machine with tubes and wires and dials. Boy, would I hate
to be hooked up to that thing, she said.

So would I, replied the technician. Its a floor-cleaning
machine.