Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, Arent you done yet?
The nympho says, Are you done already?
The blonde says, Beige. . . I think Ill paint the ceiling beige.
23
Sep
23
Sep
Why do brunettes take blondes shopping with them? So they can park in the handicap spaces.
23
Sep
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
23
Sep
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.
Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, dont worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.
Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.
The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.
Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was… Why dont we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!
22
Sep
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fez!
Fez who?
Fez me, thats who!
22
Sep
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but hes never around when you need it done.
22
Sep
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?
The crow answered: Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the
energy. Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings?
replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon
he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys
responses and functions. The feet said, We should be Boss as we
carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands
said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money. And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and
the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So
the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the
Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the
work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:
You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.
Lesson Number 4
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last
meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,
he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten
too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked
around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up
against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,
thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when
he hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know
youre full of shit.
22
Sep
Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small, painted, evil-looking natives.
Tom says, We have nothing to fear. See me get us out of this one!
So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers – obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chiefs undivided attention and flicks it on.
Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders and says, Look at that! It lit the first time!!!
22
Sep
Its time to turn your computer off and read a book when….
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You cant call your mother. . She doesnt have a modem.
11. You check you mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.
12. You dont know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.
22
Sep
This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
Doctor, I just cant have an orgasm.
Do you masturbate?, he says.
No luck. is the reply.
How about cunnilingus?
Nope
Kick-start vibrator?
Wakes up the neighbors, but not me. she complains.
Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here. the doctor says as he walks into the next room.
He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
What is it, she gasps.
Its a VOODOO DICK, he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.
It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,
hand! he commands.
The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.
Ooooh, she sighs.
VOODOO DICK, box. The dick returns in a shot to its case.
You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.
Certainly, of course, anything you say she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she cant wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
VOODOO DICK, hand! she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.
VOODOO DICK, pussy!
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.
VOODOO DICK, fuck me. It begins to thrust in and
out.
VOODOO DICK, faster! It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.
VOODOO DICK, harder! It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.
VOODOO DICK, stop. BUT IT WONT STOP
VOODOO DICK, stop now!, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.
Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.
She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing – gotta go she yells.
Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?
You dont under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me. she sputters.
A WHAT?, the cop yells?
A magic VOODOO DICK. Its after me! she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, VOODOO DICK, my ass!