Old and New Jokes

Whats a Jewish American Princesss idea of natural childbirth?

Absolutely no makeup.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

What do you call whites runing down a hill? An avalanche.

What do you call a bunch of blacks runing down a hill? A mudslide.

What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down the hill? A jailbreak.

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.



A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.



Guess who sent them.



The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:



Now you know!

A man staggers into a hospital emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to search for it and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

Un hombre adquiere un tigre de bengala con la idea de hacerse rico exhibiéndolo. Alquila un local y anuncia el espectáculo:

¡Vea el tigre de bengala por 50 dólares!

Nadie asiste, por lo que piensa que tal vez el precio es alto y cambia el anuncio:

¡Vea el tigre de bengala por 25 dólares!

Nadie llega, y baja aún mas el precio:

¡Vea el tigre de bengala por 10 dólares!

Tampoco asisten, así que decide anunciar:

¡Vea el tigre de bengala gratis!

Entonces sí, el local resulta pequeño para toda la gente que quiere apreciar al felino. El hombre cierra las puertas y anuncia:

¡Salida del local 100 dólares!¡Si no, suelto al tigre!

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said No Way! Youre going to By-God West Virginia Univ.

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said Ill be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. Youre marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said Where is your sister?

They replied We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read – Clarence 136 – so we turned around and got the hell out of there!

Save the trees … Wipe your butt with an owl.

Seen on the back of a bikers vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Impotence: Natures way of saying No hard feelings

Heart Attacks … Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Dont be sexist – broads hate that!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Hes not dead, Hes electroencephalographically challenged

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you lived in your car, youd be home by now

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They
asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The
priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven
when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came
speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities
took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping
that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the
guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches
from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the
blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, Hey, I see what your
problem is.

Everything in this bar is golden!!!
Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats……

After one too many drinks he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and theres even a golden urinal!!

The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isnt convinced, so in the morning she fones the bar and says, Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats???

Yes ansers the bartender..

What about a golden urinal????

Hold on says the bartender….

Eddie.. I think we found the guy who leaked in your saxafone!!!!!!!.