Old and New Jokes

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

This guy must have screwed up the settings, the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated This is no joke. If we dont protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves. The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apples in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality.

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.

You might be a redneck if…
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.

It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs dont wag their tails nearly as much.

When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they dont get up for at least an hour.

All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.

They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs is on television.

Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.

Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough.

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER

Sensitivity dont hurt.

One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

Shake your hips and hope for the best.

Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and dont worry if their parents are right there.

Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.

Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

See if the man has lipstick on his face.

Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are — on fire.

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.

Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didnt always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.

You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.

It might help to watch soap operas all day.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyre rich.

Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. Thats why I stopped doing it.

If its your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if its a new person, you have to ask permission.

I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but its a free country and nobody should be forced to do it.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

Dont forget your wifes name .. That will mess up the love.

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.

Dont say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isnt like picking what movie you want to watch.

Why did the boy throw his clock out the window? To see time fly!

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

Yes, we can do this for you.

Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things dont work out theres a possibility that we could be divorced? To which St. Peter answered It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

425 b.c. Day One

Dear Diary,

First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it
was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard
side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
straighten that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on…) So, off to bed…

425 b.c. Day Three

Dear Diary,

Rain has stopped, finally, and theres not a whole lot of land left to
see. Saw a whole villages worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful
attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read
those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now
if I can figure out what canned rations and ferroconcrete bunkers mean,
Ill be in business.

Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided
food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if
you added a little salt water. The budgies didnt like it, though, and the
koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.

425 b.c. Day Seven

Dear Diary,

Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.

425 b.c. Day Seventeen

Dear Diary,

God decided to help by giving my the power to understand the
animals speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to
live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy
white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about
how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts
and berries and each other. Cant sleep at night.

425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two
Dear Diary,

Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This
caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows
and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat
by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from
undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know theyre
being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of What are
they doing to us? Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal
thongs.

425 b.c., Day Thirty

Dear Diary,

Cant sleep. Cant eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an
example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the
frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port
bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to destroy me and my
family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a
thousand phantoms that torment my soul.

425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight

Dear Diary,

I cant be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that
rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walkd over to where Sondra
and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with
him! God, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs
guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see Wild One something
like twenty jillion times? Shes gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha
know…) So now shes mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines
because my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the
drive-in, so….

425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,

Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read
yesterdays entry, thought someone else had written it. Had vision of
strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope; God has
forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the
animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I
shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

You might be a redneck if…
There is a wasp nest in your living room.

Cut the rope.