Old and New Jokes

Your Momma is so fat . . .

She went bungee jumping and went straight to Hell.

Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the Oral Office.

Those who cant write, write help files.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the

elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by

saying, T-G-I-F? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,S-H-I-T (letters only).

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, T-G-I-F again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, S-H-I-T.

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said as sweetly as possibly T-G-I-F another time.

The man smiled S-H-I-T.

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday, get it?

The man answered, Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday.

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily … well, once a week … okay, monthly then … or maybe …

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL … LOL!

10. I will read the manual … just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than password.

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve … I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think Ill buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think Im gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

Really Stupid People

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the films depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

Masons First Law of Synergism: The one day youd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Shed been listening to the radio

and she nearly lost her breath

yellin cuss words at the DJ

for playin that song where she gets hooved to death.

So she set out on the warpath

there was evil in her eye

she said Im gonna find that reindeer

and by golly, one of us is gonna die!

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Santa Claus had made a landing

on the new expressway

Grandma was doin 120

with her headlights pointed straight at Santas sleigh.

Twas an awful sound of impact

Grandma really nailed him good

There were hoofprints on her windshield

and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Guess well all be missing Rudolph

in the winter when it snows

but now hes up in reindeer heaven

with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

But theres no regret from Grandma

as she drove away, she sneered,

and then she hollered out the window

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.