Knock knock
Whos there?
Stephen Wertheim
Stephen Wertheim who?
Exactly.
—
Sadly, in 5 years nobody will know who Stephen Wertheim was because he has requested tht his obscure political joke be removed from the largest joke repository in the world. Poor career decision, Steve. 😉
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive ?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds ?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there ?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime ?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings ?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
Why are there locks on the doors ?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose ?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon,
How do they make Teflon stick to the pan ?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
What would happen ?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
What happens when you turn on the headlights ?
You know how most packages say Open Here.
What is the protocol if the package says, Open Somewhere Else ?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM ?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it;s called cargo ?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
Why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance ?
Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?
The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?
The young man says, I chop wood!
Son, the general replies, we dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?
I chop wood!
Young man, huffs the general, you are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!
Well, the young man says, you hired my brother!
Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!
The young man rolls his eyes and says, So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!
A young married woman is standing up in court, giving evidence.This man broke into my home at two in the morning! She states.And did he get anything? The judge asks.Yes, She says, I thought it was my husband coming home from the night shift!
Rabri Devi watched her husband Laloo searching high and low, all over the living room.
She asked him: What are you so frantically looking for?
Laloo: Hidden cameras!
Rabri: And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?
Laloo: Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying …You are watching the Star World channel? How can he know what I am watching?
Q: What do a Wendys Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named Dave.
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!!!!
An Irishmans been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!!
What makes you say that? he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.