Old and New Jokes

Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.

En un apartado pueblito vivía un joven llamado Juañanga que su máxima aspiración era aprender inglés pero sus recursos económicos se lo impedían. Un buen día, sin embargo, se decidió y le dijo a su padre que él iba a estudiar inglés con un método que consistía en subirse a la montaña más alta, con una pequeña radio, para así alcanzar las ondas radiales de otros países y escuchando la pronunciación y modismos de los angloparlantes aprenderlo.

La noticia se propagó por todo el mundo y el apoyo fue incondicional durante el mes que Juañanga estuvo en la alta cordillera, hasta que un día, gente de la CNN dio con la ubicación exacta del esforzado joven, dándose el siguiente diálogo:

Hello, Mr. Juañanga! How you doing?

Gggggzzzzrrrrr Tiiiiiiiiiii Ggggzzzzrr.

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were

a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.



After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.



Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.



When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser, but

I think those two other girls were using their arms.

Working for the lord doesnt pay well,
but the retirement plan is the greatest.

-Sam Levenson

A nervous wreck!

REDMOND, Wash. – April 10, 1995 – Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto The software for the rest of yall(tm), Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.

Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals, explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, but weve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology – the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internets hottest gifs, the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.

This is righteous software, man, says beta-tester Billy Grugg. It thinks like I think. Brad Cunningham agrees: I take it everywhere, he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

What do you call a masterbating bull? Beef strokinoff.

A red head goes for a drive in the country and she has to stop as there is a farmer who is moving his sheep from one pasture to another across the road. She rolls down the window and says to the farmer, If I can tell you the exact number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?

The farmer figuring that a city girl would never be able to agreed.

The red head guesses the number and is 100% correct. I mean not off by one sheep.

The farmer is an honest man and tells her that she did guess the right number.

She gets out of her car, selects her animal and puts it in the car. Just before she drives away, the farmer asked her a question. If I can tell you the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – Stop fucking her down there!

Whats the matter with you? asked the husband after the sailor came back down. We werent doing anything.

Sorry, said the sailor. from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

By golly, hes right, said the husband. It DOES look like theyre fucking down there!