Whats grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Whats even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
28
Jul
28
Jul
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. Whats six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?
A. Money
Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. Whats the difference between you and your paycheck?
A. Your wife will blow your check.
Q. Whats the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a womans body except his own.
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A. Theyve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. Its not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Whats the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
A. A pick-pocket snatches watches.
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More head room.
Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as a substitute for meat.
Q. Whats the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.
Q. What do old women have between their breasts that young women dont?
A. A bellybutton.
Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
27
Jul
You might be a redneck if…
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Youve ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame
27
Jul
Un señor estaba caminando por la calle cuando de pronto ve a Pepito saltando al lado de la puerta, queriendo tocar el timbre. Entonces el caballero se acerca y le dice :
Niño necesitas una ayuda?
Y pepito le responde: SÃ
Entonces el amable señor levanta a pepito y ayuda a que toque el timbre de la casa. Una vez que lo hace Pepito le dice al señor:
Muy bien, ¡ahora a correr!
27
Jul
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three Ws in a row.
27
Jul
How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
27
Jul
Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) Theyre hiring.
Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) Dam.
Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path.
Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.
Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association.
Q.) What do you call cheese that isnt yours? A.) Nacho Cheese.
Q.) What do you call Santas helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses.
Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko.
Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite.
Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck.
Q.) Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef.
Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones.
Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka.
Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A.) Because they have big fingers.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.
Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work? A.) A stick.
27
Jul
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?
Its a solar-powered flashlight.
27
Jul
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promised.
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing hed probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him 12:00. He didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got that one!
Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, oh sh*t, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
26
Jul
Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We dont know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.