Old and New Jokes

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.

Quickly I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.

Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said,
Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.

I think its stuffed, dont you?

Dos maricas se van de luna de miel. Apenas llegan al motel y empiezan a hacerlo: dale que dale, toda la noche sin pararle. Al día siguiente, ya cansados los dos, uno de ellos decide ir a comprar algunas cosillas para el desayuno, pero cuando vuelve encuentra toda la pieza llena de semen: las paredes, la cama, todo. Con asombro, el recién llegado pregunta:

¡¿Mi amor, qué pasó aquí?!

¿Qué, acaso no me puedo tirar un pedo?, le reprocha el otro.

Un tipo con un ojo de vidrio estaba en una fiesta bebiendo un preparado, cuando, repentinamente, se le cae la prótesis dentro del vaso y sin darse cuenta se la traga. Así, pasan varios días y el hombre no puede cagar, por lo que decide acudir al médico.

Doctor, tengo varios días sin poder cagar y no recurdo haber comido algo que me hiciera mal.

“Eso es grave, muy grave. Por favor, inclínese para que lo pueda revisar. Mmm, mm, ¡esto no puede ser! ¡Es insólito! ¡Increíble! ¡Asombroso!, exclama el galeno al examinarlo.

“¿Qué tengo? ¡No me asuste, no me asuste! ¡Dígame, por favor!”

“Mire, en mi vida he visto un montón de culos… ¡Pero un culo que me vea a mí jamás!

Buddy tells his friend that he and his new bird dog can basically talk to each other. Freinds says, right, prove it. So Buddy points to some bushes and his dog runs over, sniffs around, then returns and barks six times. Buddy says, there are six birds in those bushes. Prove it, says his friend. Buddy takes a shot in the air and sure enough, six birds come flying out. Thats great, says the friend, can I try that? Sure says Buddy, so the friend points to some bushes and off goes the dog. This time the dog is gone for awhile. When he finally returns, he runs up to Buddys freind and start pumping his leg. Get this crazy, faggot dog off me. The dog stops and picks up a stick in his mouth and starts the shake it back and forth. Youve got one crazy dog Buddy. You and that dog cant talk. Sure we can. Hes telling me that there are more fucking birds in there than you could shake a stick at!

Q: What do they call Santas helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses

Q: What do you call Santa Clause after hes fallen into a fireplace?

A: Krisp Kringle

Q: Who sings Love Me Tender, and makes Christmas toys?

A: Santas little Elvis

Q: Which of Santas reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

A: Rudeolph

Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

A: A cookie sheet

Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?

A: Comet

Q: What is the cows holiday greeting?

A: Mooooory Christmas

Q: What does Santa like to eat?

A: A jolly roll

Q: Where do Santas reindeers like to stop for lunch?

A: Deery Queen

Q: What does Santa say when he is sick?

A: OH OH NO!

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missile toe

Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?

A: With his North Pole-aroid.

Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?

A: Santa Claus-trophbia

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesnt believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

Received from Mikeys Funnies.

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.

The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because theyre already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young roadie who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

Yes, said the young man, he did. As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing……

You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel…

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?

Yes, we have, your honor, The foreman responded.

Would you please pass it to me, The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, Please read your verdict to the court.

We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The mans attorney turns to his client and asks, So, what do you think about that?

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, Im real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry. Dejected, he turned and walked away.The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny. The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either.

Why Are Some Hairs White?

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, Momma, how come all of grandmas hairs are white?

A liquid that freezes slippery side up.