Old and New Jokes

I think of you as a brother.

(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.

(You are one jurassic geezer.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.

(You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.

(I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)
Ive got a boyfriend

(whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).
I dont date men where I work.

(Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
Its not you, its me.

(Its not me, its you.)
Im concentrating on my career.

(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
Im celibate.

(Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

Lets be friends.

(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

What the hell is that? he asks.

War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

What the hell is that?

War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

War wound??

Naah, my zippers stuck

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

What you should do is go out and buy a late 70 or early 80 model Dodge Pickup, said the Pastor.

Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.

The fellow asked, Will this help me live longer?

No, said the pastor, but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever.

Q: What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?

A: They all killed the Browns!

Did you hear the one about the [ethnic] who looked up his family tree?

A gorilla shit on him.

there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said do u know how fast you were going? duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. Id like to buy some gloves for my wife, he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, but I dont know her size.

Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes, he answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.

Will there be anything else? the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

Now that you mention it, Bill replied, she also needs a bra and panties.

A man approaches his best friends wife one day when her husband is at the
office. Will you have sex with me? he asks.

No. My husband wouldnt approve.

O.K. What if I give you $1000?

Well, for $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my
husband is at work.

So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did(!) In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:
Was my best friend here today?

Y-y-yes. his wife says with concern.

And did he leave $1000?

Y-y-yes. she says expecting the worst.

Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he
could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, $5.00 – If I cant tell you where youre from, Ill pay you $50.00!

The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, Is the sign right?

The man says, Yes. The cowboy hands him a five and says, Youre on!

The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, Youre from Wyoming.

The cowboy shakes his head and says, Ill be darned! Youre right! and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, Youre from Montana!

The cowboy, dejected, walks away.

The young man decides hes going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, Do your stuff!

The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking hes gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, Youre from South Dakota!

The young man gets really upset and cant for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, How in the world did you know Im from South Dakota?

The old man replies, By the wool on your zipper!