Old and New Jokes

A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. You know what, said the Irishman, I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman
said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did
nothing to me, so I got a free drink!

The Brit like the ideal so much he
went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out
and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.

So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As
he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who
walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The
barman said, Well Im not looking for trouble, the Scot replied, Well its
getting late, if you give me my change, Ill be heading home.

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbis honesty and integrity, the temples membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

I have only one condition, he said. At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words.

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said about the dead brother. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act. He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, But compared to his brother, he was a mensch.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade
4.

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.

HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "ITS GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!

A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear.

The shrink, humoring him, asks, What seems to be the problem?

The guy answers, Doc, Im worried about my brother.

A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car
broke down. Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk. A
mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse and knocked
on the door until two young men came out.

Kin we help ya, miss?

Yes, my car broke down about mile back. I wonder if you could drive
me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?

Well, now, the towns all shut up right now and dont open back up
until tomorrow mornin. But ahll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here
an ahll tow yer car over to the farmhouse and you kin spend the
night here with us.

The woman thought, Well, I really dont have a choice. Besides, I
can handle myself, so she agreed.

After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse, and they
were getting ready for bed, the first one said, Yah know, miss, we
only got one bed in this here house, so ahm afraid yall have ta sleep
with us.

The woman thought about it, and consented. As they were taking their
clothes off, the woman said, By the way, you DO have protection, dont
you?

Protection? Whats that?

You know, condoms.

Well, whatre they for?

Its so I dont get pregnant.

Were simple country folk, miss. Ahm afraid we dont know about those
things.

Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them
on.

Hmm… well, all right.

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next
morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car
repaired and drove off. About a month later, the two brothers were
sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, when the first one said,
Hey, dya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?

Yep. She was real good, wasnt she.

Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?

Nope.

Well, then, lets take these durn things off!

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled Jesus Christ as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, Go Jesus Christ Go. Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldnt hear him very well, but it sounded like mother trucker or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

You might be a redneck if…

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you cant find it.

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

Youve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all thats holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

Youve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.

Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

Theres a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Your kids cant go out for Hollween because theres nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your stuff (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, just in case.

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.