Old and New Jokes

Why are womens breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
Your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider yours.
You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
You look forward to summers because youre more productive without the distraction of classes.
You consider all papers to be works in progress.
You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
You reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that its a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
You find yourself explaining to children that you are in 20th grade.
You start referring to stories like Snow White et al.
You frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as personal communication.
You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
You have difficulty reading anything that doesnt have footnotes.
You understand jokes about Foucoult.
The concept of free time scares you.
You consider caffeine to be a major food group.
Youve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
The professor doesnt show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
Youve ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
You appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
You can read course books and cook at the same time.
You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
You hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
Youve ever worn out a library card.
You find taking notes in a park relaxing.
You find yourself citing sources in conversation.
Youve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? The Indian answered, Eggs. The man scoffed, Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. Hes a phony.

Thirteen years later the travelers train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform.

The tourist went up and said jovially, How! The Indian answered, Scrambled.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

We have enough youth – how about a fountain of smart?

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.

He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex doggie style on their wedding night. She didnt know what he was talking about and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the normal position or not at all.

However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small.

They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you too we could have walked to the emergency room.

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high

Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund

Then: KEG

Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to Calif. because its cool

Now: Moving to Calif. because its warm

Then: Growing pot

Now: Growing pot belly

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems

Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints

Now: Popping joints

Then: Killer weed

Now: Weedkiller

Then: Hoping for a BMW

Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Receiving a new hip joint

Then: Rolling Stones

Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Being called into the principals office

Now: Calling the principals office

Then: Screw the system

Now: Upgrade the system

Then: Peace sign

Now: Mercedes logo

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

Then: Taking acid

Now: Taking antacid

Then: Passing the drivers test

Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Whatever

Now: Depends

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide dont come in!

Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!

Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!

Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!

Your Momma so fat her belt size says equator.

Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.

It was graduation day at UNC, and the professors were giving out the degrees. The crowd started chanting Bubba, Bubba, Bubba!

The president of the University asked, Whos Bubba?



Bubba is a guy whos been at the University for twenty years, and hasnt graduated.



The professor called Bubba up and told him that if he can answer one question, he would graduate. He asked him, What is 4+4?



8, Bubba said.



Boo! the crowd roared. Give him another chance, give him another chance!