Old and New Jokes

According to a film my wife saw in her philosophy class, Bertrand
Russell received a letter from a woman who proclaimed herself a
solipsist. She went on to say that she was surprised that there
werent more solipsists.

If Momma Cass had shared her ham sandwich with Karen
Carpenter, they might both be alive today…

I think Paula Poundstone said this, but I could be wrong.

David Ackerman

Estaba una pareja de viejitos sentada en un bus, llevaban varias horas de viaje, y el vejito de dice a su esposa:

Mija, se me durmió la cola.

Y ella responde:

Sí, hace un rato la escuché roncar.

Ski lift sign, as seen in the Sunday Oregonian (via Parade magazines
annual end of the year celebration circa 1990):

Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges.

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, Now, do you remember what the plan is? The blonde sighed and replied, Yeah, yeah, I remember… The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the banks doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, Stop! Stop! while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, What the hell happened in there?!? The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly! The brunette paused and yelled, YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesnt know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the waters edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: Chapter 11.

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, Whats in the box kid?

The little boy says, Kittens, theyre brand new kittens.

George W. laughs and says, What kind of kittens are they?

Republicans, the child says.

Oh thats cute, George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, You gotta check this out and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, Look in the box Dick, isnt that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.

The boy replies, Theyre Democrats.

Whoa!, George W. says, I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. Whats up?

Well, the kid says, Their eyes are open now

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

Va Manolo a una farmacia:

Oiga, me puede vender un preservativo porque esta noche voy a cenar con la familia de la chica con la que salgo desde hace tres meses y después, a ver si cae.

Mientras el farmacéutico lo atiende, Manolo se queda pensando y dice:

Bueno, mejor me pone dos porque esta chica tiene una hermana que no está nada mal e igual cae también.

El farmacéutico regresa por otro preservativo y Manolo dice:

Bueno, mejor me va usted a dar tres porque la madre es una cachonda que pone los cuernos a su marido y ya metidos en harina…

LLega la hora de la cena y aquí tenemos al Manolo comiendo sin quitarse la gabardina, con el cuello subido y la cabeza agachada. Al acabar, cuando han salido de la casa, va la chica y le dice:

¡Manolo, no sabía que eras tan tímido!

Ni yo que tu padre era farmacéutico.

Para festejar los 90 años del abuelo le organizaron una fiesta los hijos, nietos, bisnietos, sobrinos, amigos y demás.

A eso de las once de la noche, ya casi todos alcoholizados, ven que el abuelo se va de lado en la silla.

¡Eh, el abuelo se cae!, gritó uno.

Y todos corrieron a enderezarlo.

Al rato, otra vez el abuelo se va de lado en la silla.

¡Eh, miren! ¡Cuidado, el abuelo se cae!

Y otra vez a enderezarlo.

Por tercera vez ven al abuelo inclinarse y al enderezarlo, éste dice con voz temblorosa:

¿Es que no van a dejarme tirar un pedo tranquilo?