Old and New Jokes

Stop staring at me, and get a job!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal your neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

4. Dont be irreplaceable; if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Dont squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, dont park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! Im being abducted!

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth.

The first sinner comes in and says Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother Jim thumbs through the book and finds cursing at mother. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary’s and they are forgiven.

A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three our Fathers and they will be forgiven.

Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say Father please forgive me, I have sinned. Jim says My son, What have you done The sinner replies I have had anal sex Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?

Bill shouts back Two twinkies and a coke!

Un día, los diferentes tipos de papel que existen en el mundo organizan una convivencia. Todos los papeles van llegando a la fiesta en sus mejores galas.

El anfitrión los anuncia cuando llega cada tipo de papel:

¡Demos un aplauso para nuestro amigo el papel de roca, quien participó mucho en los nacimientos estas Navidades!

Todos los papeles aplauden.

Ahora, saludemos a nuestro gran amigo que viene desde el Lejano Oriente, ¡el papel de China!

Igualmente todos lo festejan.

Al cabo de un rato empiezan los guardias de la entrada principal a gritar aterrorizados:

¡Cuidado, llegaron los hermanos tijeras! ¡Corran!

Todo mundo comienza tratar de huir pero los hermanos tijera comienzan a hacer confeti de los invitados. El papel de roca, siendo el más fuerte, trata de golpear a los hermanos tijera, pero lo hacen pedazos. Del mismo modo el papel de China, sabiendo artes marciales, trata de hacer uso de sus patadas y golpes, pero también sale derrotado. En un rincón del salón está llorando el papel cebolla. En otro, el papel albanene no sabe a donde correr… De pronto, de la nada, sale un papel desconocido por todos, comienza a brincar sobre las mesas, saca su pistola y dispara; al ver que no ha hecho mucho daño, se quita su reloj y se lo avienta a los hermanos tijera y estos explotan al instante, hechos pedazos.

Los papeles supervivientes al caos festejan el triunfo de este papel desconocido y le preguntan:

¿Quién eres?

El papel, con un tono serio y media sonrisa, responde:

¡Bond, papel Bond!

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.



Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.



Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.



At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:



Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.



P.S: Sure is hot down here.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

Things Never Said By a Redneck…

1. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

2. Checkmate.

3. Shes too young to be wearing a bikini.

4. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

5. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.

6. I dont have a favorite college team.

7. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

8. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

9. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

10. Nope, no more for me. Im drivin tonight.

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and Ive got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! he says.