Old and New Jokes

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry. Dejected, he turned and walked away.The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny. The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either.

A liquid that freezes slippery side up.

I think of you as a brother.

(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.

(You are one jurassic geezer.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.

(You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.

(I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)
Ive got a boyfriend

(whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).
I dont date men where I work.

(Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
Its not you, its me.

(Its not me, its you.)
Im concentrating on my career.

(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
Im celibate.

(Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

Lets be friends.

(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

What the hell is that? he asks.

War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

What the hell is that?

War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

War wound??

Naah, my zippers stuck

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

What you should do is go out and buy a late 70 or early 80 model Dodge Pickup, said the Pastor.

Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.

The fellow asked, Will this help me live longer?

No, said the pastor, but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever.

Q: What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?

A: They all killed the Browns!

Did you hear the one about the [ethnic] who looked up his family tree?

A gorilla shit on him.

there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said do u know how fast you were going? duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. Id like to buy some gloves for my wife, he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, but I dont know her size.

Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes, he answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.

Will there be anything else? the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

Now that you mention it, Bill replied, she also needs a bra and panties.