1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? A dentist2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? A wedding ring3. Im spread before Im eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? Peanut butter4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? Chewing gum5. All day long its in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? An elevator6. I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I? A nose7. If I miss, I hit your bush. Its my job to stuff your box. When I come, its news. What am I? A newspaper boy8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? A glove9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. Im called a big swinger. What am I? A crane10. Im at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? A toothbrush
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didnt need him anymore.
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God – God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and Ive come to tell you that we really dont need you anymore. I mean, weve been coming up with great theories and ideas, weve cloned sheep, and were on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really dont need you.
God nods understandingly and says. I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go lets have a contest. What do you think?
The scientist says, Sure. What kind of contest?
God: A man-making contest.
The scientist: Sure! No problem.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, Okay, Im ready!
God replies, No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if its a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe Shallow gene pool should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention Vegetables youre not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
Youve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would Never DREAM of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says I have a great idea Id like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.
You want to choke a person when he or she says Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.
Meeting a childs parent instantly answers the question Why is this kid like this?
A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped
a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked What was the problem? Wouldnt your cat eat them?
The womans eyes got very large, and she whispered, Do you mean to tell me
that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?
Some folks have it, some dont.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow inferior.
Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who dont have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
If you dont apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.
Least Loved Conversation Hearts
1. SHOO
2. U SMELL
3. AMSCRAY
4. CALL 911
5. 1000x NO
6. R-U NUTS
7. BIG BORE
8. BROKE HIP
9. URA ZERO
10. ILL MACE
11. GET REAL
12. OVER DOSE
13. R U DONE
14. SHAVE BACK
15. NO HOPE
16. GO AWAY
17. DONT TUCH
18. U-R SICK
19. WANT FRIES?
20. YODA MAN
21. DISCO
22. NO NECK
23. WRONG
24. IN-BRED
25. WAKE UP
26. HO HUM
27. FIX TEETH
28. TRY SOAP
29. NICE LISP
30. ILL DUMP U
31. BAD HAIR
32. ILL YELL
33. AS IF
34. NOT NOW
35. NOT EVER
A middle-aged blonde goes to the doctor and says Doc I have this really bad itch can you tell me whats wrong?
He examines her and says, You have crabs.
She says, Thats impossible! I have never had sex before, and storms out of the doctors office.
She goes to another doctor and he says the same thing, and again she insists that it is impossible because she had never had sex.
Finally, she goes to a third doctor and says, Look Doc… I have seen two other doctors about this itch and they keep telling me I have crabs, but that is impossible.
He examines her and he says, Ohhhh. Now I see the problem. Its not crabs. Your cherry is rotten and you have fruit flies.
Breast dont have eyes
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks whos in room
24.
Nobody comes the reply.
Good says the man, I must have escaped!
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Ms Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you, Youre beautiful, Of course you dont look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep – Ill take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what women are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down and men would sit down to pee.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator!
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.