Old and New Jokes

A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out

GREEN SIDE UP!



In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled GREEN SIDE UP! The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.



In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady then asked him, Why do you keep yelling green side up?

Im sorry, came the reply. But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking Im invisible. Psychiatrist: What!…who said that?

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several
years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man
goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wifes mouth.

Again, the man rushes out to tell the doctor who says this is a very positive
sign. He suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesnt want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the
man replies: She choked.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

… and if youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at one end and the other sits at the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to himself, there is no way I can get with the really hot one, so Ill talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to the really hot one.

So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation. Then she asks him, Do you like my friend over there? pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar.

The guy says, Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her.

So she asks, Do you think shes pretty?

The guy says, Well uh, yea, shes pretty.

She then asks, Do you wanna smell her pussy?

The guy tentatively responds, Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea.

The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breathes out, HUUUH!

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?



Not enough cement.

Estridges Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Un tipo tenía un problema de impotencia crónico. Va al doctor, quien tras examinarlo le dice: Tiene usted una enfermedad rara que deteriora los músculos de su pene. Me temo que no existe cura. Sin embargo, hay un tratamiento experimental. Se trata de transplantar los músculos de un elefante bebé al pene. ¿Le gustaría que lo intentaramos?

No viendo otra solución, el tipo acepta y unos días después el doctor realiza la operación.

Ya dado de alta, el tipo lleva a su novia a un buen restaurant para celebrar el éxito de la operación. Mientras están en la mesa, comienza a sentir un extraño movimiento entre las piernas; la presión se vuelve insoportable, así que el tipo decide abrir la bragueta del pantalón.

De pronto, su pene sale del pantalón, se desliza sobre la mesa, toma un plátano de la fuente de frutas, y regresa a su pantalón de nuevo.

¡Vaya! dice su asombrada novia, ¡Eso fue realmente impresionante! ¿Puedes hacerlo otra vez?

Con el rostro enrojecido, el tipo responde, Tal vez… ¡Pero no sé si pueda aguantar otro plátano en el culo!