A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks what are you doing?
Indian says Me tellum time. Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says You telling time? yup how can you tell time like that?
Indian says workum like sundial, readum shadow. Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says let me guess, youre telling time too.
Indian says Nope. But me windum clock!
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.
Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnt reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, whats for dinner?
He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again.
No reply.
He moves five feet closer.
Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, whats for dinner?
She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew!
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesnt know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says, Maam Im blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, Thats a 6 graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…Its a good all around rod and reel and its $20.00.
She says, Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for so Ill take it.
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldnt know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50.
She says, But didnt you say it was $20.00? He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck all is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake.
After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Russian says there is plenty of Vodka where I come from.
A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says there is plenty of Tequila where I come from.
Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.
Pedro llega a la Ciudad de México, procedente de los Estados Unidos y se encuentra con Carlos, su compadre, y le comenta que en Estados Unidos se integró al ejército. Carlos le pregunta ¿cómo es allá el ejercito?
El compadre le contesta: En el ejército de los Estados Unidos no te dejan más que dos opciones, o te mandan al frente o la retaguardia, si te mandan a la retaguardia no hay bronca pero si te mandan al frente no te dejan más que dos opciones, o te matan o te dejan vivo, si te dejan vivo no hay bronca pero si te matan no te dejan más que dos opciones,
o te queman o te entierran, si te entierran no hay bronca pero si te incineran no te dejan más que dos opciones, o te convierten en papel higienico o en papel periódico, si te convierten en papel periodico no hay bronca pero si te convierten en papel higienico no te dejan más que dos opciones, o te mandan al frente o a la retaguardia…
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why did the Italians lose the war?
Because they ordered ziti instead of shells.
Why doesnt DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
There was a flight attendent trying to break in the new flight attendent. When the plan gets to this city where they can eat & sleep at a cheap rate. The woman gets to her room and the next morning when it is time for them to leave the flight attendent calls up to her room and asks her why she isnt on the plane ready to leave. She tell the guy that there are only three doors, one goes to the closet, one goes to the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says do not disturb!!
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bbs in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bbs came out."Suzy," Grandma said. "I know youve been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said Grandma, I went poo and there was bbs in it. "Jill, I know youve been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.Grandma something terrible has happenend, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!