Old and New Jokes

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. So, what is it? grumbled the governor. Judge Garber has just died said the attorney, and I want to take his place. The governor groggily replied: Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker.

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?

Sure, its easy. replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and youll be a Newfie.

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeons knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patients brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patients brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patients bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him – Im terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.

The patient replied Quest-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, Havent I seen you somewhere before?

Yes, she replied in a loud voice, Im the receptionist at the V.D. clinic

Va la abuela con su nieto caminando a un costado del cerro Santa Lucía en Santiago. La anciana, sin darse cuenta se tira un pedo tan fuerte que el niño escucha, y de inmediato pregunta:

Abuelita, ¿qué fue eso?

A la mujer lo único que se le ocurre decirle es que era el cañonazo de las 12:00 p.m. Pero un borracho por detrás protesta:

¡Oye, vieja pedorra, ponte el culo en hora, son recién las 11:30 a.m.!

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: Youve got two choices.

I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.



Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.



There was another tap on his shoulder.



This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: That was a huge mistake, Frank. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.



Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.



He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.



The polar bear says:

Admit it, Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?

You might be a redneck if you wax your eyebrows with duck tape.

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy – HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!

The city guy says, Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over)

So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders Its my turn

The famer looks at him and says – aw Hell, keep the damn duck!

1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.



2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.



3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.



4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.



5) Always look both ways when running a red light.



6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.



7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.



8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed

up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.

Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMSing: sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY (Mom, I cant go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly – but decides shes going anyway.

Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly – but decides she doesnt have time to fix it so shes going anyway.

Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly – but says, At least, Im clean, and goes anyway.

Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees I am and goes where ever she wants to.

Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who cant even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesnt bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90:
Cant see and so doesnt worry about it!

Q: How does an older man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money.