Old and New Jokes

Empieza a oler feo y una petulante mujer exclama con tono afectado:

¡Un pun, un pun! ¡Qué feo!

Llega un químico e informa:

No, no es pun: es un aire gaseoso que se eleva a la estratosfera.

Cuando llega un sacerdote, molesto, dice:

No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso: es un frijolito que acaba de morir y su alma está subiendo al cielo.

Entonces un poeta declara en un tono elegíaco:

No es pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir: es el suspiro de una nalga enamorada.

Un borracho pasa por ahí, y con voz tartajosa anuncia:

No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir, ni el suspiro de una nalga enamorada: es una caca que está pidiendo a gritos libertad.

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.

Se encontraban dos mendigos de esos viciosos en la calle matando un cachito de marihuana, cuando de pronto pudieron observar que había un billete de $20.000 pesos tirado en la calle.

Desesperados corrieron a cogerlo a ver quien tenia mayor suerte, pero llegaron al tiempo y ambos tomaron el billete de una de las puntas. Para no romperlo, ni dividirlo por partes iguales, decidieron compartirlo y empezaron a discutir en que lo gastarían.

Después de mucho rato uno le dijo al otro:

Ya se. Compremos $19.000 en marihuana y $2.000 en salchichon…

A lo que el otro ñero contestó:

Parcerito ¿y no será como que mucho salchichón?

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting
every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100
women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that
theyll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops
his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the
next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he
goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83….. 84…..
85…….. but he is still moving from one to the next and the women
are still satisfied: 97………… 98………….
99……………. and before he can get to the last woman he has a
heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head and says, I dont understand it! It
went perfectly at practice this morning!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.

Jesus is gonna get you.

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.

Again, the parrot cries out.
Jesus is gonna get you.

The robber started to get a little worried.

Whats your name, birdie?

Moses.

What dummy named you Moses?

The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus.

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women

instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions,

arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a

casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

[Note – making the rounds, no attribution could be located – ed.]

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site:
IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

Since at one time or another, I have seen idiots doing such things, I thought I might just as well make it easy for them and give them a list.

When your car is so old as to break down every mile or so, be sure to drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, place the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or whats happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed, full service gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out headlamp, try aiming the lights a little so you can see better at night.
Dont fix windows which no longer roll down. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait until just before the inspection is due to get them repaired. No sense in rushing things.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the wind-shield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read it.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.

One day a bachlor decides that he is going to take up hunting, since he had nothing else to do with his money. He goes an buys a pick up truck and two hunting dogs. Goes to the country to hunt, when all of a sudden he spots some ducks flying over head. He takes his shot gun and shoots, he hits one and lets the dogs out. He chases after the dogs and they come to a farmers field, when the young man says Excuse me sir, but that is my duck The farmer says no my land, my duck. Tell you what sonny, lets settle this the country way, We kick each other in the balls, and who is left standing, gets to keep the duck. The city boy says Allright But the farmer says I go first The farmer kicks the young man in the balls, and lays on the ground for about five minutes. When he finally gets to his feet, he states OK, my turn The farmer says Na, you can keep the duck.