Old and New Jokes

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
dont get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?

Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor … otherwise you might have to
see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass
of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch
Half a tube of Pulsating Pink lipstick and a cigarette (to be
eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and
put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch
Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup
of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Llevo casado veinte años y sigo enamorado de la misma mujer.

¡Eso es maravilloso, qué bonito…!

¿Si? ¡Pues cómo se entere mi mujer me mata!

I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany…..

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow
by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby,
Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities,
there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.

While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy
aside and asks him, Who is your mother? The child replies, Mother
Russia. And who is your father? asks Gorbachev. The boy answers,
Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev! Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, and
what do you want to be when you grow up? The boy proudly replies,
a good communist!

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very
impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to
[East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation,
Gorbachevs plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration
includes a parade.

Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
He asks a little boy in the crowd, Who is your mother? The child
replies the GDR [German Democratic Republic–East Germany]. And
who is your father? asks Honnecker. Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!
replies the child. And what do you want to be when you grow up?
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies, an orphan.

Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes one-liners?

A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?

A: the invitation.

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?

A: A hostage.

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?

A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

Llega el novio a casa de su suegro y le dice:

Señor, vengo a pedirle las nalgas de su hija.

¡Jovencito!, le grita ofendido el padre de la novia. ¿Qué no lo que se pide es la mano de mi hija?

No, yo de puñetas ya estoy harto.

When writing, always make sure your verb and subject agrees.

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!.

The cat says, I dont think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.

The penis outraged, says At least your master doesnt put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!

Background: Bobby Cox is manager of the Atlanta Braves baseball team. Theyve won the National League title two in a row and have another good team this year. Theyve had some trouble scoring, so about a month ago they traded with the San Diego team for Fred McGriff who has won a couple of battling titles. It is a understatement to say that McGriff has improved Atlantas offense. Atlanta is visiting San Francisco this week to play the Division leading Gaints.

Yesterday, a SF reporter teased Bobby Cox when asking him, If a car containing your wife and Fred McGriff started toppling over a thousand foot clift, and you had the chance of saving just one of them, which would you choose?

To which Cox is said to have answered: My wife couldnt hit the side of a barn door! 🙂