Old and New Jokes

Three economists are out deer hunting one day when they see a huge buck in the clearing in front of them. The first economist takes aim with his rifle and fires. The bullet goes flying by the deer, about 20 feet in front of it.

The second economist decides to give it a try. He takes aim and shoots. The bullet goes flying by the deer, this time about 20 feet behind the deer.





At this point, the third economist starts jumping up and down, overcome with joy, yelling: WE GOT IT!! WE GOT IT!!

I cant resist passing this along. The following song has been played on many
(more than 10) Southern California radio stations over the last six months or
so, and Ive heard it on Rush Limbaughs TV show, never with any attribution.
Enjoy!

Sung to the tune of Helen Reddys I am Woman:

I am Hillary, hear me roar
Im more important that Al Gore
I could run this country if I had the chance

Got an office down the hall,
now Bill cant mess around at all
In this White House family I wear the pants

Oh, yes, Im his wife
but Im in Love with politics
Yes this is the life
I might run in Ninety-Six
If I want to, I will say anything
I am strong
Im undivorceable
I am Clinton
Im Hillart Rodham Clinton
Im undivorceable,

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Swede!
Swede who?
Swede smell of success!

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonels home for an evening of bridge.

The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonels wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonels wife smiled demurely, Dont worry about it, this is the first time all evening that Ive been able to tell what he has in his hand.

Llega un tipo a la farmacia y le pide al encargado:

Por favor, deme espuma de afeitar.

¿Lleva también los rastrillos?

No, ya tengo en mi casa.

Pues si no compra los rastrillos, no le puedo vender la espuma.

El tipo se sale sin comprar lo que necesitaba, pero vuelve al día siguiente:

Por favor, deme una pasta de dientes.

¿Lleva también el cepillo?

No, ya tengo en mi casa.

Pues si no compra el cepillo, no le puedo vender la pasta dental.

Se va el tipo nuevamente sin nada, pero regresa al día siguiente y le dice al dependiente:

Tome, meta la mano en esta bolsa, por favor.

¡Pero si es mierda!

Sí, es que hoy quería papel higiénico.

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think theres baseball in heaven?"Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But lets make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven."They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol…."Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?""Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?""Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news.""Gimme the good news first," says Sol.Abe says, "Well… there is baseball in heaven."Sol says, "Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"Abe sighs and whispers, "Youre pitching on Friday."

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning
anyway.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday,
and probably have a present for me.

She didnt even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.

I thought, Well, thats wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didnt say a word. When I started to the
office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning, boss.
Happy Birthday.

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, its
such a beautiful day outside and its your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you
and me.

I said, By George, thats the greatest thing Ive heard all day. Lets go.

We went to lunch.

We didnt go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little
private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, its such a beautiful day.
We dont need to go back to the office, do we?

I said, No, I guess not.

She said, Lets go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said,
Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go change.

Sure, I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat… on the couch… naked.

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Neither understand football.

Both are good at pretending that theyre listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
• Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Thanx to the Guffaws list.

Two Indians, Running Bear and Little Beaver went to the outhouse teepee, situated on the edge of a cliff. After using the outhouse teepee, they went back to the village. The next day, they again went to the outhouse teepee. Running Bear said, Terrible, terrible, the outhouse teepee smells to high heaven! What should we do? We cant ever use it smelling like that! Little Beaver suggested, Why dont we just push the outhouse teepee over the cliff, and go build another one? They both agreed and pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff.

A few days later, the chief of the tribe called a pow wow. He asked, Who threw the outhouse teepee over the cliff? No one answered. He then told this story.

When George Washington was a little boy, his father asked, Who chopped down the cherry tree? Little boy George Washington answered, It was I father.

His father was so pleased with the answer, that he rewarded Little George Washington, and later in life, he became the Great leader of his nation.

Now again, I ask, who pushed over the outhouse teepee? Little Beaver said, It was I that pushed over the outhouse teepee, thinking he would get a reward. In that moment, the Chief jumped on Little Beaver and severely beat him. He ended up in the hospital.

A month later, the Chief was visiting the hospital, and came across Little Beaver. Little beaver asked, Chief, how come you beat me up?

The Chief answered, George Washingtons father wasnt in the Cherry Tree!