Old and New Jokes

An American, an Italian, and a Mexican are eating together. The Italian eats part of his breadstick and throws it away. The Mexican asks him why he threw it away and the Italian answers, Theres plenty of them where I come from.

The Mexican eats part of his nachos and throws the rest away. The Italian asks why and the Mexican says Theres plenty of them where I come from.

Then the American takes the Mexican and throws him over the bridge. The Italian asks why, and the American says, Theres plenty of them where I come from.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.

So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

15) Dont refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples, as J.C. and the boys.

FLORIDA
The Gunshine State
ALABAMA
Literacy Aint Everything
ARKANSAS
At Least Were not Oklahoma
ILLINOIS
Gateway to Iowa
KENTUCKY
Tobacco is a Vegetable
MAINE
For Sale
MONTANA
Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NEW MEXICO
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NORTH CAROLINA
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO
Dont Judge us by Cleveland
PENNSYLVANIA
Cook with Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA
Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE
The Educashun State
TEXAS
Si Hablo Ingles
UTAH
Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Im 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.

The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and hes an ex-All Black lock.

Next to him is a bloke whos 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and hes a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?

The first bloke says, Nah, not if Im going to have to explain it three times.

Brittany was on her deathbed with her husband Adam at her side.
"Honey, I need to make a confession. whimpered Brittany groggily, "I slept with your brother, your cousin, and your father. Its okay, Sweetie. I know," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittanys cheek, "Why do you think I poisoned you?

One evening, a Polak named Stosh Manzarek heard a loud knock on his front door from the Nazi police.

Open up! Its the police!

Stosh asked his friend, What do I do? When they hear my name and find out Im Polish, theyll kill me!

Relax, said the friend. Just use a different name, like Fromheim, or Heimlich, or-

Okay, okay!

Stosh opens the door and a Nazi police officer is standing there.

Name?

Stosh answers, Abraham Goldman.

THE GHOST SHIT – Thats the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

THE CLEAN SHIT – The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT – It happens when youre done shitting, youve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.

BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT – The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

THE ICEBERG SHIT – The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it stick s above the water.

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT – The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

THE CORN SHIT – Self-explanatory.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT – The kind of shit that is so huge that youre afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

THE DRINKERS SHIT – That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.

THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT – Its the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT – Thats the kind where it hurts so much coming out, youd swear it was leaving you sideways.

THE WET CHEECKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP – Thats the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE QUID SHIT – Thats the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT – A class all its own.

THE OTTOMAS SHIT – The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years.)

…leaving me wondering – just who comes up with these things?…

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that Im writing to you today, the 31st of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. Im not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the FUCK were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that youve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some SHIT like this under the tree. As if you hadnt fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he cant even walk into his house.

Please dont let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. Ill throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so youll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didnt get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year youll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First!