Old and New Jokes

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But theres one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.

The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret. The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jamaica!
Jamaica who?
Jamaica mistake!

A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. No thank you,
the man said, G-d will help me. As the waters rose, the man retreated to
the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered
to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, No thank you, G-d will
help me. As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the
rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down
a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once
more, the man declined and said, No thank you, G-d will help me. Whereupon
a mighty voice called out to the man, You idiot! I sent you a rowboat,
a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?.

When she is pregnant with a boy.

Source: Colleague at University of Idaho

Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to
ask and that he shouldnt ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldnt answer the question and that he shouldnt ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and
to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse.
She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he
beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by
looking at her drivers license.

He said, Mother, youre 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an F in sex.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?

A: They make good ankle warmers.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Go written
in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and
yells, Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
did it! Where were you guys?! The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
at the floor. Bill hollers, Well dammit, dont just sit there! Get out and
find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight! The
entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, Well
Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
you want first?

Clinton says, Oh hell, give me the bad news first.

The officer says, Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The
results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine.

Clinton says, Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own Vice President!
Damn….Well, whats the really bad news?

The officer replies, Well sir, its Hillarys handwriting.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.



The judge says, do you want to live with your dad? the kid says no! he beats me!.

The judge says,you want to live with your mom? no! she beats me too!.



So the judge says, who do you want to live with then?



The kid says, The Cleveland Browns…they cant beat anybody!

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,



Im so miserable without you. Its almost like having you around.



— Your Ex