Old and New Jokes

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.

Uno en la oficina va y le dice al jefe:

Que si da usted su permiso, jefe.

¿Para qué?

Pues, para salir, porque mi mujer va a tener un niño…

¡Pues, claro, hombre! ¡Faltaría más! ¡Vaya usted enseguida!

Al cabo de unas dos horas vuelve y, al verlo, el jefe se sorprende y le pregunta:

¡Pero hombre! ¡Qué rápido! ¿Ya ha nacido el niño? Y el otro responde:

No. ¡Qué va! Ahora hay que esperar los nueve meses…

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

An apple always wanted to be strong.so he


went to bodybuilding and started practicing hard.But after a week of hard work he became a hip!

SCMP newspaper report in Hong Kong:

In a swindle people in Hong Kong are being invited to apply to act as testers for Viagra (not yet licensed here) by phoning a number for which they are then charged international rates. No such clinical trials exist.

The headline reads: Phoney Viagra line stiffs callers

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,

and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I

am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I

think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people

2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with

reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are

somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation

2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are

confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of

David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his

ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on

your train in the last two years.

Your truly, A Commuter

She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.I dont believe that she cheated on you!Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, Is anyone here a doctor.



One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, Im a doctor, what can I help you with?



Ive been stung by a bee.

Oh really, where?

Between the first and second hole

Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…