Old and New Jokes

Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to find the “11” button so she could dial 911!

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.

Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the end of your right arm?

I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!

Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting story about the patch on your eye?

One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!

The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?

Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days!

Q. What do you call a paki on the moon?

A. A problem.

Q. What do you call ten pakis on the moon?

A. A bit bigger problem.

Q. What do you call a hundred pakis on the moon?

A. A pretty big problem.

Q. What do you call a thousand pakis on the moon?

A. A very large problem.

Q. What do you call all the pakis on the moon?

A. A problem solved.

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. I just got some news, Mom, he said. The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. Theyve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?What do I think? his mother said. Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I dont think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!

I have sinned, said Adam originally.
Have an apple, the serpent said fruitfully.
Come here, Abel, Cain said brotherly.
You snails almost didnt make it, Noah said wetly.
No spika de Inglish, they babbled at Babel confusedly.
Nonsense, Ill look behind me all I please, replied Lots wife saltily.
Heres your pottage, Jacob said hairily.
My thigh is out of joint, Jacob said angelically.
I was the sun and you were the stars, Joseph said dreamily.
Hey, Fellas, look at my new coat, Joseph said colorfully.
I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar, Joseph said coatlessly.
Now we can open grain storage area #1, Joseph said leanly.
See how the reeds made him in just certain spots, Pharaohs daughter said mosaically.
Tomorrow, well cross the Red Sea, Moses said dividedly.
But we cannot find water if there is nothing but rocks, the ladies of Israel told Moses gushingly.
And here is your calf to worship, Aaron said goldenly.
There are the pieces of the Ten Commandments, Moses said stonily.
With God, we are bigger than the giants, Joshua and Caleb said largely.
____________________________________, said Balaams ass crushingly.
Sure Ill hide you spies, Rahab said scarletly.
Now what could have caused the defeat at Ai? Achan said guiltily.
Can you give me a place to sleep and all I need, Sisera said naillessly.
Will the fleece be wet this dewy morning? Gideon asked dryly.
Your weapons are a trumpet, a pitcher, and a torch, Gideon said generally.
That makes a thousand Philistines, Samson said hairily.
Get up, Samson, your enemies are on you! Delilah said snippingly.
This is my new husband, Boaz, Ruth said messianically.
Now, boys, lets subjugate our impulses, Eli said fatherlyly.
Here am I, Samuel said prophetically.
Just call me Kingy, boys, Saul said firstly.
I love you, Jonathan told David brotherly.
Lion, let go of my lamb, David said barehandedly.
Youll never conquer me, Goliath said stonily.
Here, catch the javelin, Saul said jealously.
Meet my new wife, Bathsheba, David said adulterously.
Divide the baby with a sword, Solomon said wisely.
Im amazed at your wisdom, the Queen of Sheba said regally.
Well not have taxation without representation, Jeroboam said rebelliously.
Weve got to pay for our Great Society, Rehoboam said threateningly.
Thank you, Sir Raven, Elijah said fully.
Here comes old Elisha, the children said baldly.
Thats the seventh dip, Namaan said cleanly.
The driver is Jehu, the watchman reported to Jehoram furiously.
This the new Fury Chariot, Jehu said windily.
As goes Gomer, so goeth Israel, Hosea said prophetically.
My feet are cold, Shadrach said fierily.
Long live, O King, Daniel told Darius sleepily.
This is where the wall of Jerusalem should be, Nehemiah said constructively.
Ive seen a little trouble during my life, Job said experientially.
No fish for me, Jonah said greatly. (By Asa Sparks)

Copyright © 1960, Asa Sparks, 6045 Camelot Court, Montgomery AL 36117

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight.

01. I can see your point, but youre still full of crap.

02. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronouce.

03. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

04. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

07. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

08. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

11. This isnt and office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.



And heres a bonus funny from: Siglets.com



Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …

Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…

Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …

But fart just one time…

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord! My friend replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use communist in
a sentence. She said, My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are
all communists.

A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word
capitalist in a sentence. She said: My cat had a litter of kittens and
now they are capitalists.

The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens.
The little girl responded: Well they have opened their eyes now!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.